Hi wordsmith,
so sorry, I just read this now!
Whatever you think...many have told me that the POV switches are dizzying LOL, but I can't figure out how to write it without Karl's POV.  I just sent part of it to the shredder....thank you so much for your great review wordsmith!!!
Again, I apologize for getting back to you so late.  Thank you kindly

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 1 -  Yes, those two sentences tell us a lot about Gioia's character, and made me want to find out more about her
Ch 2 -  yes
Ch 3 -  Great opening paragraph,  but the first sentence needs to be shortened.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 1 - Karl trying to get together with Gioia
Ch 2 - Negotiating the movie deal
Ch 3 -  not really conflict (which is fine), but they're getting to know each other


§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes, and Karl seems to be a typical Hollywood playboy who finds himself drawn to Gioia, and she to him

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
Maybe describe the restarant décor and Karl's apartment a bit

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
characters are coming through even in these early chapters

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
good job on dialogue

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
No.  For example, in Ch 1, this sentence changes from Karl's POV to Gioya's:
'His light brown eyes held her gaze and she sensed something sweet.' 
It also goes to  Gioia's while she talks to Nick and her cousin after Karl has walked off

It doesn't seem to be written in omniscient, so the POV shifts could easily be fixed by adding a line break between sections, usually by centering *** on an empty  line to show when the POV or scene is changing.  IF you're going for omniscient, then just ignore this, but tell me so I'll know when I'm reviewing. 

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
mostly showing

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
no


§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
fun, not preachy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose? no


§    Is there enough action? yes
§    Does the story move quickly?  yes
§    Is the tension level high? not yet, but that's fine at the beginning. 
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? not a lot, but it is building


§    What you liked most and what worked well
I think this is going to be a fun novel, with the Hollywood characters interacting with the Mob, and maybe a trip to Italy.

§    How do you think the story could be improved?
Just by the suggestions made above.  This story already has my attention.

Gingerlynn, I added you to the review schedule some time ago.  Please see the thread below.  Let me know if you have any questions.

http://www.thenextbigwriter.com/forum/v … 54&p=3

Ginger, you're in Circle 1. 

I lifted the bit below from the review schedule.  I suppose you could start there, but the chapters would make more sense if you went from the start.  Wouldn't pressure you to do indepth reviews for the chapters that have gone before.

Apart from the chapter reviews, we do a detailed review for each person in our Circle.  The format is here == >   
http://www.thenextbigwriter.com/forum/v … hp?id=7632

We also do chapter reviews for the guys in circle two, but circle one has been really slow, so we get to play catch up.  You'll find we always run a bit behind, but we get there eventually.   Though we'd like to move faster, life and its commitments get in the way.    Shoot me any questions you may have.  Your detailed reviews from everybody else will be posted to this thread as Tina has done above.  Welcome and have fun!

June 8 - 14, 2009

linda lee – Who’s Your Paddy -Chapters 10-12
Cadfael – The Celibate Mouse -Chapters 19-21
Gingerlynn - My Gioia - (only one chapter posted)

mornin' wordsmith!
btw, I love all the new titles your getting on that other thread LOL!!
just so I understand completely, am I supposed to be reading and review the first three chapters of who's your paddy, and the celibate mouse (the titles you posted this week)???  Let me know exactly what i should be readin, as I'm very far behind.
I'm gonna try soooo hard to catch up, this group seems like fun!!!
Thank you!!!!

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 1- yes
Ch 2- yes
Ch 3-  yes

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 1- a past love triangle between Gioia, Gabriella, and Lorenzo
Ch 2- Gioia breaking her date to got to Italy, and dealing with her ex
Ch 3- Gioia ending her relationship with Nick and starting a new one with Karl


§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes


§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes, clear brief descriptions give a good feel for the scenery

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Good job of bringing the characters out.  Sislia excitedly yelling as she talks is something my daughters and niece all did when they were that age. 


§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
good dialogue


§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
I found two POV slips in Ch 5 and noted them on the chapter review.


§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
mostly showing

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
no


§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
easy read

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose? no


§    Is there enough action? yes
§    Does the story move quickly?  average speed
§    Is the tension level high?  not yet, but it needs to build so that's fine
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?  small bursts of drama, but again, that's appropriate at this stage of the story because we get a good sense of the plot elements

§    What you liked most and what worked well
Gioia is a free spirit and it works well.   I like her.  And Nick.  Okay, I'm sort of routing for the bad boy gangster to maybe get back together with Gioia.    But I'm sure I'll learn to like Karl, too. 


§    How do you think the story could be improved?
Maybe you could give Gioia's reasons for breaking it off with Nick.  He seems like a great guy (other than being a mobster) and they seem to love and respect each other.

Gingerlynn, also trying to catch up.  Getting to you soon!

ginger- just saw your rating of my review!  I'm not good with writing sex scenes either.  In fact, in my 26 chapter romance novel, Twenty-Five, there's not a single one!  so I guess people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones!

Rachel

Wordsmith-

Thanks for the links, I'll check them out.  The only sex scenes I've attempted are in my other two books, David and Adrian, chapter 5 and 16, and Thirty-Four chapter 1.  I have two ALMOST sex scenes in Twenty-Five.  Chapter 5 and 15.  The chapters I was talking about for Ginger were chapter 3 and 4.

If you get a chance I'd love feedback.

Wordsmith wrote:

If all else fails, what about recreating a really hot love scene from your own life and/or fantasy?

I can't really do this because I don't have any hot love scenes from my own life...

Thanks for your help!

Rachel

thanks!  I'll add your book to my reading list as well.  I've been meaning to get to everyone in circle 1 at some point, and i think you are my last one!

Tina sweetie, thank you so very much for sticking with Gioia (she thanks you too!!!!)
You can't even begin to imagine how helpful your in dept reviews are to me
I have all your chapters printed, and some of the other ladies as well, so I plan on catching up real soon.
Again, thanks for sharing your thoughts and precious time with me, truly are the best!!!!
PS - hope you recieved my email, let me know if you didn't, please.

Last edited by Gingerlynn (07-24-2009 05:49:44)