I'm confused.  Is this The Celibate Mouse?  I followed the link at the beginning of this thread and this is what I got.

Ch 20 was six weeks ago.  Are you going to finish?

mishmont wrote:

I'm confused.  Is this The Celibate Mouse?  I followed the link at the beginning of this thread and this is what I got.

Ch 20 was six weeks ago.  Are you going to finish?

Hi mish, Is it that long? Yes I'm going to finish it. Just got tied up with editing HBD again. I want to get it away again to an agent who said it had promise! Let's hope it still does and she hasn't forgotten me in the interim     I am almost going off my head with the stress of trying to do it all at once.

My daughter, Lara, told me last night that the hairdresser burned her scalp with chemicals, she's lost a gap of hair off the back and frizzled the front. She's very depressed and this isn't helping. I'm going into town late this afternoon to stay the night, although she has to get up at 2am to go to work (she's a phlebotomist) Anyway the upshot of that is I'm racing against time today so can't get into Mouse yet.
I will DEFINITELY finish it.

Talking about mice, the ones here in the plague which seems to be inflicting Boonah, are definitely NOT celibate LOL

Diana

Last edited by Cadfael (03-31-2009 18:15:21)

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 13 - yes
Ch 14 - yes
Ch 15 - yes

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 13 -  Marli wanting to get to know David better, but afraid her twin will never talk to her again if she does
Ch 14 -  Susan trying to get clues to who murdered Edna with Daniella catching on.
Ch 15 - Nola trying to find her husband

§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
very nice characterization

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
fine dialogue

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
Chapter 13 switches back and forth from 1st  to 3rd person, though it's from Marli's perspective. 

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?
good mix of both 

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
not many

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
easy to read and flowing

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no


§    Is there enough action? yes
§    Does the story move quickly?  at an appropriate pace
§    Is the tension level high? yes, both for the murder and David reappearing in their lives
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes


§    What you liked most and what worked well
The realistic show of the range of emotions Marli and Brit have concerning their father.  I also like how the story switches around to different people's perspectives with each chapter, letting the reader in on all the angles.

Hi Joy, thank you so much for your review and again I am sorry I haven't been able to catch up with the reviews I should be doing. I am most upset to find that I can't hitch Andrew's printer up to his old computer which I'm using at the moment. Our grandson placed a password on my part of the computer and didn't tell me what it is, so my efforts to hitch the printer in keep meeting with demands for my password. I'll kill the little shit when I catch him!

Glad you found no problems to speak of apart from the glitches which I am going to fix asap. Will look at Ch 13. I have been copy and pasting the chapters from the site to Andrew's computer because my CD made last Monday is now redundant anyway. Couldn't get another one before we took the rotten thing to the computer hospital.

ENOUGH of the whining! Must forge ahead, the deadline for the strongest start is Saturday!

Thanks a mill

Diana

Last edited by Cadfael (05-11-2009 18:35:47)

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 16 - It might work better if you put the 2nd paragraph first, then the 1st.
Ch 17 - yes, it sets the scene
Ch 18 - yes

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 16 - David working on the murder cases, and trying to build a relationship with his daughter
Ch 17 - Lady Ferna making funeral arrangements and the killer plotting who to kill next
Ch 18 - Susan working through the guilt of Danny's murder

§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
the characterization is really good, as it 's easy to keep everyone straight in my mind as I read.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
smooth dialogue

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
good mix of both

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
clean writing

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
easy read, not preachy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no

§    Is there enough action? yes
§    Does the story move quickly? at an appropriate pace for a mystery
§    Is the tension level high? yes
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes


§    What you liked most and what worked well.
It's fun looking into the killer's mind while trying to figure out who the heck he is.  The way you show the story from so many perspectives adds suspense and clues to the mystery.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Chapter 16 – Going nitpicky again.  Think you can make this more showy/less telly.  I know he’s remembering what happened to frustrate him, but you could put him in the picture.  Kinda like… Detective Inspector David Maguire sighed/hissed/balled his fist/or if you prefer to leave it somewhat as you have it, you could say.. Detective Inspector [David] Maguire’s patience had worn thin.  He’d been playing tag with the 'Robinsons Senior', unable to pin them down to a time for an interview.
Chapter 17 – Works well.  You show us something of his character. He’s a sneaky, lecherous bugger.
Chapter 18 – Works fine.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?  Her thoughts about her and David and their tempestuous relationship.  The officer who died under her watch.  David’s frustration with all that’s  not happening with the case. 

§    Plot – Is it believable? People kill other’s for the strangest reasons.  People are getting murdered over something that’s not quite clear.  Relationships are being forged. Police personnel being frustrated.  People hiding evidence.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place? Didn’t have a problems here.  Scenes established well.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts. – They’re all distinct and have their quirks.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?  _Works well for me.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?  Yes
§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?  - Didn’t have a problem here.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.  – Any nits pointed out in chapter reviews.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy? Easy to read.  Liking the touches of humor.  They give the story additional colour/flavour.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?  No


For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action? – What’s to complain about, people are being murdered willy-nilly and the murderer is planning to get busier still.

§    Does the story move quickly? Yes

§    Is the tension level high? You do a good job of putting me into the head of your characters.   First person works really well for that.

§    Are the protagonists strong? Yes, Definitely.

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? Yes


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.  – As said before, I admire the fact that in the middle of murder and mayhem, you manage to insert humor.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. / §    How do you think the story could be improved? – I have no complaints.  Anything significant would have been noted in the chapter reviews.  Can’t believe I did the chapters and forgot to do this review.  Hope it helps.  BTW - Can’t wait to see Marli’s twin hit the fan over her linking up with Dad.

Sorry, Mish. Yes, it is.  I was wondering just a few minutes ago if there's a way to change the subject heading, but there doesn't seem to be.

Yeah, I can see Susan being a character, solving several more mysteries.  I feel I know her better with this novel.  Think maybe because she's more vulnerable here, being 'wounded' and all, so to speak.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 22 -  yes
Ch 23 -   yes
Ch 24 -   yes
   
§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 22 - Trying to figure out who set fire to the hospital and attacked Glenwood and the officer
Ch 23 -   Getting Daniella to shut up and leave , and Susan's home being broken in to
Ch 24 -   Marli recalling when her mother had suffered an emotional breakdown, glad that she seems to be snapping out of it in the present

§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes, full of interesting twists, too

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
very believable

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Dialogue flows well and moves the story

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
mostly showing

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
fine


§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
easy to read, not preachy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
No


§    Is there enough action?  yes,
§    Does the story move quickly? yes
§    Is the tension level high? yes
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes


§    What you liked most and what worked well
I like the clues turning up, so I can play 'Nancy Drew' as I read, trying to figure out 'who done it'.

Gimmie diamonds! Gimmie diamonds!
I keep reviewing your chapters and forgetting to post the 3 chapter review.  Have another one coming up for ya!
One day I'll actually get caught up...I hope.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Chapter 22 – works fine
Chapter 23 -  works well
Chapter 24 – fine by me

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
The ant nest stirred up by the killer, the familial conflict – Susan and co., internal conflict.

§    Plot – Is it believable? Yes, ‘course I’m wondering what they’d murder over and would the truth be so devastating as to kill over it. 

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place? – Think I pretty much have the setting down pat in my mind.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Yes, particularly liked what you did with Brittany.  She’s a hateful, spoilt brat.  David comes across as strong and in charge.  I can def. see how two characters as strong as himself and Susan would have problems in a marriage.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Works well.  No problems here.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent? – No, but I’ve made suggestions in the chapters.

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?   You use action words to describe your scenes and a lot of stuff happens these three chapters.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.  Suggestions made on individual chapters.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
Easy to read. 

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose? No

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action? Definitely.  Always something happening to build tension.
§    Does the story move quickly? Yes
§    Is the tension level high? Yes
§    Are the protagonists strong? Yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? Yes


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.  Enjoyed seeing things from the perspective of your psycho killer.  Also enjoyed seeing David show Brit who’s in charge. Enjoyed seeing Susan and David together and hearing her thoughts about him.  She’s slowly coming back to life, having been abandoned and depressed.


§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. / §    How do you think the story could be improved?  You may need to look at the little pov switches you have.  I also  think Edna has a whole truckload of rellies, which makes police work a challenge.  I didn’t always remember who was who. 

An aside here – the celibate mouse – is that in any way a reflection of Susan?

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 25 -  yes, it shows the rage the killer is feeling
Ch 26 - yes
Ch 27 - Yes, it shows we're in Brit's POV and she's still pissed. 
   
§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 25 - The  killer fighting frustration with a fit and  romp with his girlfriend
Ch 26 - David and Susan both deal with a bit of jealousy for each other, then Hurricane Brit blows in screaming
Ch 27 -  Brit's childhood struggle for attention and control

§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes, the murder and  family relationship come off very believable

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Believable well-drawn characters

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
smooth and tight


§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
mostly showing

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
not at all


§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
easy, fun, not at all preachy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
No


§    Is there enough action?  yes,
§    Does the story move quickly? yes
§    Is the tension level high? yes
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes


§    What you liked most and what worked well
Ch 25 showed us a deeper look at the killer and how he thinks.    Ch 26 shows Brit being a rude outspoken teenager attempting to put her whole family in the place she wants them (imagine that from a teenage daughter?  LOL).  I really loved how this whole chapter was written, and seeing how David is learning to be a father.

The way Susan treats the baby mouse family shows a lot about her character.

I'm enjoying the read. 

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 28 - yes (I love the descriptions in this opening paragraph)
Ch 29 -  yes
Ch 30 - yes, it reminds me of Susan's fragile mental condition and all she has to deal with
   
§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 28 -  Susan and Briony trying to narrow down suspects
Ch 29 -  David trying to convince his girlfriend NOT to come around, and interviewing Penelope
Ch 30 -  Lots here, including the spoiled kid throwing the tantrum,  Harry breaking ties with Brit, and David's girlfriend catching he and Susan having lunch. 

§    Plot – Is it believable?
very believable

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes, with very visual scenes.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
There are many characters here, but most all are really easy to remember.  All very well-drawn

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
dialogue is smooth and informative


§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
mostly showing

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
no


§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
fun and easy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
No


§    Is there enough action?  yes,
§    Does the story move quickly? yes
§    Is the tension level high? yes
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes


§    What you liked most and what worked well
I love your colorful descriptions, for example " The Robinson mouths are tight as fish's arses."
I also like now you end each chapter on a hook.

In Ch 30, the way you had Susan and David interacting seemed very genuine.  Maybe I'm mean, but I loved it when the kooky girlfriend walked in on David and Susan having lunch; I'm really hoping those two get back together and kick her to the curb.