Thanks Isabel.  I'm not really sure how to add more action or conflict, but its definitely food for thought.  When I was writing it initially, I was just thinking, what would this look like if it were two normal people, not two characters in a book.  I guess now when I'm editing I need to think more in terms of what would two characters in a book do, to give it more interest for the reader.

Chapter 4 definitely introduces a bit more conflict, as does chapter 6, so I hope I've kept you interested enough to keep reading until you get to them!

The show vs. tell thing I get all the time, but I'm not sure how to do it!  Help!  Any suggestions?  do I need less dialogue?  Is it a result of the first person point of view?

Links to Chapters 1-3

Chapter 1: http://www.thenextbigwriter.com/library … read/30133

Chapter 2 (Section 1): http://www.thenextbigwriter.com/library … read/30181
and
(Section 2): http://www.thenextbigwriter.com/library … read/30182

Chapter 3: http://www.thenextbigwriter.com/library … read/30281

Last edited by rach_elle (05-13-2009 20:09:24)

Thanks, Isabel, that is helpful!  I'll go back and study those three scenes.  The accident has always been one of my favorites, so I guess I need to figure out why!

Thanks for the show vs. tell example.  It makes more sense now.

I'm going to do my in-depth review on Cassie tomorrow or Friday, I promise!

Chapters 1-3


§  Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?

Chapter 1 ~ It’s okay but the voice could be stronger and more engaging, since we're first meeting her. I need to care about her in the first paragraph.

Chapter 2 ~ Starts off slow, with the recap, but it seems necessary. Not sure how you can get around that. The chapter is overall strong.

Chapter 3 ~ Yes. It’s fine. Picks up in a good place.

§  Conflict – Can you identify what it is? ~ Her agony over being single and twenty-five and dealing with her insecurities is evident. Since you don’t have a lot of external conflict, give her more internal wrestling matches, over the things she wants to do but feels she can't or shouldn’t. Her insecurity and dreariness is a bit of a turnoff. While it’s realistic, you need to show what’s unique and interesting about her. She has some humorous bits. I’d infuse many more to counteract her pessimism. Since it’s in First, you can add commentary.

§  Plot – Is it believable? ~ Yes, very.

§  Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place? ~ Yes, but description could go a bit deeper.

§ Characterization - Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts. I find them quite realistic but they need to be more well-rounded and fleshed out to stir up interest.

§  Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less? Dialogue is excellent.

§  Point of view – Is it consistent? ~ Yes.

§  Show vs. Tell ~ There is too much telling. Showing is commonly neglected in First because it's a telly kind of narrative, but aim for actions.

Examples of the difference:
T: I was so furious with him.

S: I bit my tongue, holding back a current of words that’d make a sailor blush, and slammed the door in his stupid, smirking face.

T: Sam, so hot and parched, doubted he’d make it out of the desert alive, but he kept going, a step at a time.

S: The sun lapped up Sam’s sweat before it could bead on his arms, and grit coated his throat, scraping it with each swallow. He smacked his tongue, but saliva remained dormant. Barely ambling, though still trying, he looked ahead again, shading his eyes with his hand, blinking at the vultures…waiting. An ocean of sand lay before him. Only by God will I get outta here alive.

Showing pulls us into the scene and gets us to identify with the character. It helps us to feel the circumstance and emotion.

§  Grammar & Spelling ~ Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors. Just a few.

§  Style/Tone ~ Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy? Solid style and tone. Could have more humor and sparkle.

§  Prose – Is there any purple prose? Not in the slightest.

For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§  Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate? ~ Yes. You featured some of their clothing and some settings. You could describe her domain, not so much in a block of copy, but more like, her framed Monet print sits crooked on the wall and she must straighten it. This shows us her personality and taste in art and decor. Go for things like that that will perform dual functions.

For Romantic Suspense

§  Is there enough action? Slow on the action.

§ Does the story move quickly? I think the romance is unfolding at a good pace, so, so far it‘s fine. The top of chapter 1 should be summarized or more fleshed out. Maybe you can start off with the "Happy Birthday". You say in dialogue that she hates birthdays and then at the end that's she's bummed to be where she is at twenty-five, so, some of what you tell in the first few paragraphs is unnecessary.

§  Is the tension level high? No. I keep thinking about that old list of hers. If she feels motivated to start shooting for all her jotted down childhood dreams, that will get me interested for sure. And making it hard to get those things will create conflict, which will hook me more. She needs some desire and drive for something in order for there to be tension.

§  Are the protagonists strong? ~ Ben, yes. Abigail, no. Her insecurities are overshadowing all else.

§  Is there a strong dramatic tone?~ No, but there doesn’t have to be. You can make it cute or funny or tender if you want.


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-

§  What you liked most and what worked well. I liked your dialogue. ~ That is a strength of yours and I look forward to seeing how this love story develops. They have some cute banter. I thought the accident was well-described too. I liked how it surprises and is just there. Because that's how accidents usually are.

§  What you liked least or feel could have been done better? ~ Abigail needs a stronger voice and more interesting facets. Even if she doesn’t see her good qualities, we readers need to see some. Humor is a good one to use, because we can see how funny she is, while she may underestimate that.

§  How do you think the story could be improved? ~ I think some more dimension to the characters, some kind of drive in your MC and a stronger voice will help exponentially.

Hope some of that helps.

Glad I could help. I'll get to your actual chapter 3 tomorrow.

I just wanted to give everyone a head's up that I posted the final chapter to Twenty-five a few minutes ago!

Republished part 1 of Chapter 2 as well.  Amarie, I tried to add in some serious sparkle for you- let me know what you think.

rachel

Thanks Isabel, I promise I'm getting to the in-depth review of Cassie, but I've had one of those weeks.  It will be up by Saturday night at the latest!

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?

Chapter 4 - yeah. it's fine

Chapter 5 - the intro is slow but it quickly heats up. If you can get to that quicker it would be better. You always have Abigail explaining where she or they are at. Just let the scenes unfold and show us.

Chapter 6 - It's okay, but I don't know why she's startled by the phone ringing? It makes her seem skittish, kind of like a toy dog.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?

Chapter 4- Abigail battling her insecurity

Chapter 5- Abigail battling her desire to be with him but wanting to wait.

Chapter 6- Ben frustrated with Abigail for being afraid of everything. I think you could build that up more though.

Conflict should arise naturally from who they are. Since they are different people coming from different places and mindsets, you have the basis for some interesting angles. Have them want different things in life or have different ideals. They need to learn to compromise, and we need to see some struggle as they try to make it work.

§    Plot – Is it believable? Yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?

Yes. The description of the beach house bedroom was really good.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.

She seems too uninteresting and he seems to perfect. She needs some good, fascinating qualities and he needs some flaws. I liked his fear of flying. In chapter 2, Abigail was witty and spunky and she's lost a bit of that. I'd think by now in their relationship, she'd be more comfortable in unleashing her weird self. If you show more of that side of her, then I will understand his draw to her. Her insecurities and lack of motivation and passion are too glaring for me and obscure the benefits on his end. If she has strengths that counteract those flaws, that make her desirable, then I won't even question his willingness to wait.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?

Excellent dialogue

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
Yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 

Too much telling. The abundance of was, were, I felt and there was are all evidence of too much telling. Engage the reader. Every chapter begins with telling. Just show us where they're at and how her life is changing.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.

Not very many. Excellent for a first draft.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?

The style is great, very easy to read. If you trim out the excess wases, your punchier verbs will pop and enliven your prose.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?

Nope

For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§    Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate? N/A

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action? yes

§    Does the story move quickly? not sure. it doesn't drag really, but the relationship is moving so slowly that it almost makes the story feel slow.

§    Is the tension level high? No, but the potential for an implosion and heartbreak would create tension and steamy close calls would create sexual tension or even if she's battling herself, wanting him but not.

§    Are the protagonists strong? She is not.

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? No but there doesn't have to be


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-

§    What you liked most and what worked well.

I liked the resurfacing of the note. I'm curious to see where that leads.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. 

Abigail is what I like the least. We need to have a reason to care about her. She can have insecurity but she needs to be good at something, have interests apart from Ben. Doesn't she have friends, a life, deep desires [I know she wants to be a journalist. What else?], goals, something that would make her seem like a book-worthy character? What makes her unique and intriguing? She has no passion or drive for anything, and characters without that fizzle and die on the page. She needs to spring to life. And we need to get why Ben is enamored with her, enough that he'd go sexless. I also feel Ben is too perfect at times. He's more interesting by far but sometimes not believable. If we can understand what he sees in her, what he loves about her, then his willingness to wait for sex will be more believable.

§    How do you think the story could be improved?

By developing the characters more fully into multi-dimensional people and building in some conflict. We haven't really seen what she does for him. He's helping her take risks, but what is she doing for him? How is she inspiring him to be a better person?



* * * You're good at internalization and exposing her feelings, but what I meant by sensory impressions is smells, tastes, and even gut instincts often get overlooked in First. Each chapter should have a bit of such seasoning. I noticed in chapter 2, you added goosebumps and stuff like that. That's great stuff. Anything that draws us into the mind and body helps engage the reader.


* * *I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or imply that a woman can't choose to wait until marriage before having sex. I did. I'm just saying you've been showing us what Ben does for her, but you haven't really shown us why he likes her. Of course any woman is worth waiting for to a man in love, but we need to see and understand the WHY of that love, not just about his full acceptance of her no-sex-before-marriage stance but his desire to want to be with her and continue pressing forward. Her insecurity is believable and her hesitance to take chances, but she needs to be strong in some area or quirky or fuuny or passionate for something for us to get what he sees in her, and why she IS worth waiting for.

hey friends, just thought i'd put this out there in the universe: I've posted the first three chapters of the novel I'm currently writing David and Adrian (I'm editing Twenty-Five, but it's pretty much all written). It's kinda a mix genre work, a little mystery and crime, a little romance.  The chapters are super short and move fast if you are looking for a quick read or a just a point to bump you up to the needed amount.  I'd like people who've read at least some of Twenty-Five to check it out because the stories are very different, and I'd like feedback on whether or not my writing can handle the new style.

Thanks!

Chapters 1-3


§  Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?

Chapter 1 ~ Yeah. It's fine. I don't think it needs to be rearranged either. It feels tighter.

Chapter 2 ~ It's okay. I like that you're showing her routine, so it's not bad.

Chapter 3 ~ Yes. It's good.

§  Conflict – Can you identify what it is? ~ Her feelings of discontent could pop more. The issue with her age is perfect, but her other areas could pop more. Like I know she wants to be a journalist, but it would be nice to see some kind of drive or potential plan to get there. Even if she fails at her plan, that's fine. It's determination that matters. I think her insecurity is coming across less aggravating now that her voice has some more zest. Balance is key.

§  Plot – Is it believable? ~ Yes, it is very believable.

§  Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place? ~ Yes.

§ Characterization - Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts? They could still use somre more facets but they are believable so far.

§  Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less? I like the dialogue in these early chapters. She has a little bit of fire mixed in with her self-doubt.

§  Point of view – Is it consistent? ~ Yes.

§  Show vs. Tell ~ You could probably use a bit more showing, but I see that you've built some in like the goosebumps and such. That's great.

§  Grammar & Spelling ~ Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors. Just a few.

§  Style/Tone ~ Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy? The voice is better now and it has a nice pendulum tone between witty and open.

§  Prose – Is there any purple prose? Not in the slightest.

For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§  Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate? ~ Yes.

For Romantic Suspense

§  Is there enough action? I think it's appropriate for the story. Where you have it, it is solid.

§ Does the story move quickly? The pace is much better now.

§  Is the tension level high? No.

§  Are the protagonists strong? ~ They are fine so far.

§  Is there a strong dramatic tone?~ No. Doesn't need to be dramatic.

Give overall impressions of the chapter:-

§  What you liked most and what worked well. I like that her world has been disrupted.

§  What you liked least or feel could have been done better? ~ Just some more facets in the characters and more determination in Abigail to change something in her life.

§  How do you think the story could be improved? ~ I think you've made some great improvements. I didn't find any major nits. Good job!

Phew!  I just completed writing Twenty-Five!  I thought it was over at Chapter 16, but now it has 25 chapters and an epilogue!  I feel this enormous sense of accomplishment!