Thanks Joy, for the insightful review and comments!  Much appreciated.
I like your suggestion for the first sentence of Ch 2, also, changing 'steering' to 'steered'. 

Thanks a Bunch!  Tina

No More Tears
§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch.1 – Not my favorite but works
Ch. 2 – fine
Ch.3 – That works

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Dana is struggling to deal with the diagnosis of a terminal illness. Lisa wants to protect her sister.

§    Plot – Is it believable?
Definitely

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
You do a good job with placing the reader into the setting.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
The characters are very realistic. Dana and Lisa are especially well drawn.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
I though the dialogue was good.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
Yes. You delineate POV shifts with page breaks

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
You do an excellent job showing the characters emotions through their actions. In chapter three I can practically see Dana organizing and re-organizing.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
I don’t think I’ve ever found grammar errors in your work!

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
Very easy to read and engaging.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
No


For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§    Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate?
yes
For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action? Yes

§    Does the story move quickly? No, but it shouldn’t in my opinion
§    Is the tension level high? Yes

§    Are the protagonists strong? Yes

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.
I like the quotes at the beginning of each chapter. Nice touch.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. §    How do you think the story could be improved?
Nothing so far.

§  Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?

Chapter 1 – works. I like how the shock/sadness is shown

Chapter 2 – good

Chapter 3 – good


§  Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Dealing with a terminal diagnosis

§  Plot – Is it believable? Very much so. The physician details make it seem very real. Good research!

§  Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place? Yes. From flowers to hospital stench to satin linings, I think you’re conveying setting well and describing just enough

§  Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.  Yes. They are quite believable

§  Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?  Great

§  Point of view – Is it consistent?  Yes. Even the head pops work well.

§ Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?  Lots of great showing, which makes it so engaging

§  Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.  No problems

§  Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?  Great tone and style. Easy to read and comprehend.

§  Prose – Is there any  purple prose? No

§  Is there enough action?  Yes. I consider action people doing things and you have that.

§  Does the story move quickly? Good pace

§  Is the tension level high? Yes

§  Are the protagonists strong? Yes, even through her anguish

§  Is there a strong dramatic tone? Definitely

Give overall impressions of the chapter:-

§  What you liked most and what worked well. The realism and the attempt at coping and Dana doing the things that need to be done

§ What you liked least or feel could have been done better.  §  How do you think the story could be improved.  – I think everything’s fine as is.

Last edited by amarie (03-21-2009 21:29:12)

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention? –
Chapter 4 – Good opening sentence.  Think you could make it more direct.
Insomnia started to plague Lisa's nights.  – Insomnia plagued Lisa’s nights.
Chapter 5 – Works okay
Chapter 6 – This one works well too.  I’ve one suggestion though.  From time to time, I’ve read that it’s better to start with cause and then effect, as in have the action first – car pulling in and then her response to it – her heart pounding.  (Her heart pounding with excitement, Dana hurried outside onto her sister's front porch when a car pulled into the driveway. )

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Chapter 4 - The reality that Lisa’s sister is going to die.  She can do nothing about it except tend to the physical details which won’t matter anyway.
Dana is overwhelmed by the thought that she’s going to die.
Chapter 5 – Dana continues to confront the reality of her situation.
The family now has to deal with the illness which puts Dana in hospital. 
Chapter 6 – Dana’s desire to take care of her sister and her feelings over Lisa and her own husband finding it hard to cope with her illness and death.

§    Plot – Is it believable? - Definitely

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place? No problems here

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts. 
No confusion here between characters.  The depth of feeling I get from each character makes them distinct.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Thought it all worked well.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?  Yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?    Show/tell was balanced

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.   No problems here.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
No problems reading.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose? No



For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?  Based on nature of the story, not much is needed.

§    Does the story move quickly?  Moves appropriately for the theme you’re dealing with.

§    Is the tension level high?  It’s more poignancy that anything else that comes through  in the chapters.

§    Are the protagonists strong?  Yes

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?  There is some sense of drama in the section with the hospital, which is necessary, I think, for the reader to see the kind of things that happen to cancer victims and how the family copes.

Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.  Like that Dana thinks about others even while she has the right to be railing against what’s happening to her. 

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better.  / §    How do you think the story could be improved? Nothing to complain about.   Read the chapters for this.   Going back to do the reviews.

Tina,

Happy to be of help.  Haven't said so, but I really like the quotes you put in at the beginning of the chapters.  Food for thought, indeed.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention? –
Chapter 4 – Great
Chapter 5 – Good
Chapter 6 – Good

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Dealing with imminent death and the emotional tug of war between holding on and letting go.

§    Plot – Is it believable? - Definitely

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place? Great

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Crystal clear and very identifiable.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Excellent.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?  Yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?    Well-balanced.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.  Very clean.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
Sad tone with some humorous touches to keep it from weighing too heavy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose? No


For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?  More internalization, but it's fine.

§    Does the story move quickly?  Yes very. The chapters are bite-sized but potent.

§    Is the tension level high?  Emotional strain yes.

§    Are the protagonists strong?  Yes

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?  Yes.

Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.  Dana finding ways to prepare herself and others for the inevitable. I do like the quotes too.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better.  / §    How do you think the story could be improved? Great work. I didn't have any qualms. Everything works as is.

Last edited by amarie (04-05-2009 10:55:58)

Tina, I've finished your story but haven't posted my final review (I felt it a little redundant to keep glowing every chapter so I'll be posting one more for chapter 14) but because I want to try to get caught up, I've done the template review for all 14 chapters while it was still very fresh in my memory.  Hope that's okay.

No More Tears
§ Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
In general, every chapter grabs my attention because of the quotes used. Really superb touch and something I found myself looking for at each new chapter.

Ch.1 – I stumbled through this chapter due to the large number of characters introduced at once and the short length.

Ch.2 – 14 Loved them. Some specifics below.


§ Conflict – Can you identify what it is? 
Easily identified and multi layered. Treatment vs. none, opinion vs. opinion (how they think it should be handled), clock vs. disease. Selflessness vs. selfishness.

§ Plot – Is it believable? Very. The skilled writing & story telling ability gives an all to common type of story a very fresh & sensitive perspective.

§ Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place? Excellently handled.

§  Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Very real, sometimes surprising and multi layered.

§ Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Very tight, moved the story well. I sometimes wished there was more dialog to help break up the emotional struggles predominantly presented via narrative.

§ Point of view – Is it consistent?
Very consistent.

§ Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?  In this work, the narrative was where the reader found most of the emotional content of these characters. The voice was very strong, very identifiable and easily followed. But I did wish for a little more of the emotional content to come out through dialog.

§ Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.  Wiped clean.

§ Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?  Excellent on all counts.

§ Prose – Is there any purple prose? No


For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§ Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate?
Sense of time and place are consistent and clear.

For Romantic Suspense

§  Is there enough action? Very high level of emotional action, appropriate level of physical action—particularly that depicting the evolving physical difficulties Dana suffered. Very convincing.

§ Does the story move quickly? Yes, almost to the point of suffering. I wanted so much more.

§ Is the tension level high?
Appropriate and well written tension via the struggles.

§ Are the protagonists strong?
Extremely. The detailed contrast between the 2 sisters was wonderful. The contrasts added the exact right balance.

§ Is there a strong dramatic tone?
It probably couldn’t have been any more dramatic. Though I had a moment when the title was revealed where I became the most emotionally attached. The subtle shift in perspective from suffering (she’ll never get to do XYZ) to celebrating (making the most of now)--was not only needed, it turned my entire investment as a reader around. Fabulous.

Give overall impressions of the chapter

§  What you liked most and what worked well.
Loved the quotes beginning each chapter, Chapter 3 had several significant stand out moments:
Prologue--the best one for me.
Dead squirrel- Powerfully simple catalyst to begin the mourning. Loved it.
The Ebenezer Scrooge line--Stellar.
Dana planning her own funeral--unexpected depth and morbidly wonderful.
The moment in the mirror at the clothes store—it encapsulated both the fragility and humanity of these two girls.
Overall, the writing was clear, clean and strong.
The largest overall standout for me was the emotional attachment/reaction I had. It was strong and genuine.

§ What you liked least or feel could have been done better.
Chapter 1. I think it would benefit the piece to rework the chapter.

§  How do you think the story could be improved?
Reworking the first chapter, adding a bit more dialog and allow a tiny bit of voice to be added to the story from secondary characters (particularly Dana’s family i.e. husband etc.)

Of course, I wouldn't be so ambitious to try that with something longer. Yours was a short enough read, with a very central theme that I felt I could get away with it. Plus I’m trying to catch up. I'll be happy to delve more deeply into chapters once we start doing them.

As to the open: 
As a reader, I have to assume that when an author takes the time to mention people by name in an opening, these people will be significant to the central plot. In your case because it was obviously such an emotional scene, I assumed the people you mentioned so close to the first word of the story would become key players later.
The result as a reader--I spent time trying to latch on to something so I’d remember who they were later. With so many names by paragraph 4, that was impossible so I stumbled.

As we know, those names never really got such a place of importance later. That made me question why it was important for you to do it. I understood you wanted to paint the portrait of the opening scene, the family all gathered around, mourning, the struggles etc. But you could have easily chosen to do that in inference and saved their specific details for introduction later.

I also felt the opening chapter was too short. This might have been because of what I experienced above. By the time I got to the end of the chapter, I knew something about your MC, little about Dana and next to nothing about the laundry list of names. 
Had you taken the time to give me a stronger look at your MC, I may not have felt it was too short.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Chapter 7 - June thirteenth brought another hospital trip, fate refusing to let Dana forget she was living on borrowed time…Sugg breaking in two for greater impact…  June thirteenth brought another hospital trip.  Fate refused  to let Dana forget she was living on borrowed time
Chapter 8 – No problem here.
Chapter 9 – Works okay.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Chapter 7 – Lisa is frustrated with being limited by her illness.  Not a lot of conflict, but that’s okay, based on the story.
Chapter 8 – Lisa and the family are distressed over this next episode.    Again Lisa’s turned up side down on the inside because of what’s happening to Dana.
Chapter 9 – Lisa goes through some internal turmoil and realizes that she’s focusing on the wrong things and does a turnaround.

§    Plot – Is it believable? Yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?  You do a great job particularly with the outdoor scenes.  When you juxtapose nature against what Dana’s going through and the fact that we don’t appreciate nature’s wonders, you send  a powerful message.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Again, I think you do a good job showing what Lisa is feeling as her attitude changes and she copes with the various episodes Dana goes through.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?  Dialogue works for me.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent? For the most part, yes.  Now and then you add an omniscient observation in the chapters. 

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?  Good balance.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Clean text, as always. 

§    Style/Tone – Very easy to read.  No preachiness

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose? Nope


For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action? In this case, I’d say yes in terms of the medical episodes.
§    Does the story move quickly? Yes
§    Is the tension level high? Yes, when Dana is in hospital and the family is going through hell waiting and waiting. Otherwise, I like the unhurried pace and the wonderful descriptions of nature and their sisterly activities.
§    Are the protagonists strong? Yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? Yes – particularly when Dana has an attack.

Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.  – It’s interesting to watch Lisa’s attitude changing as she realizes that she needs to refocus her energy as time passes.  Really interesting to see how the family members cope with Dana’s illness.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. / §    How do you think the story could be improved? – Have no major suggestions for improvements.   Minor things were pointed out in the individual chapter reviews.

tina_dc_hayes wrote:

LeeAnn,

Gee, sorry you hated Chapter 1.    But at the same time, I am glad you gave me your opinion on it.  Nobody agrees on everything, and I really appreciate getting a look at how others percieve things.

I meant the chapter to be a short introduction to set up the story, which I think it does.  A later chapter snaps back to the scene described there.  It shows that Dana is dying, mother Sharon is saying her good-byes, and establishes what I like to think of as the supporting characters of Lisa's brother-in-law Keith, nephew Marcus, and daughter Megan. 

Had you taken the time to give me a stronger look at your MC, I may not have felt it was too short

It wasn't the question of my 'taking time', the first half is entirely from Lisa's POV, and most of the other readers got a really good feel for her from it, her emotional turmoil and such.

and next to nothing about the laundry list of names.

I wouldn't really call it a laudry list (six people are mentioned in this chapter and you mentioned 10 by name plus the bartender and a lady at the bar in your CH 1 ).  It shows Dana is leaving her family behind, Sharon at her bedside, and Lisa as mentioned above.  I like the opening this way because it shows the close-knit family coping with the crisis.  When the 'supporting characters' appear later in the novel, I usally mention their relationship briefly so the reader isn't confused. 

As we know, those names never really got such a place of importance later.

I think they have important roles, but the focus of the story is on the realtionship between Lisa and Dana, and mainly the way in which Lisa copes with the impending death of her sister.  As the story progresses, the reader gets a peek at how the others are coping and feeling, but I want to keep the focus on the sister's relationship.

I do appreciate you explaining why you didn't like this part, and I welcome any and all comments you'd like to share. 

First off, I didn't "hate" the first chapter. I loved the entire story from start to finish and told you so. The comments are meant in the spirit of suggestion for improvements--if you decide to go there. We agree on not having to agree, so take or leave my comments at will.

What I meant by laundry list, just so you understand...they felt a little like a list because of their close proximity and their featured place so close to the open. Don't read into the comment, it's not derogatory at all--was the best way I could think of to explain it.

While your point is well made (can't believe you actually counted the characters mentioned in my first chapter!!!! doofus ) that a chapter can have many names in it and not have them interrupt flow, yours did with me. This is probably one of my quirks...I just feel like there must have been a reason for it so I worked to try to latch on to their names figuring they would come back. The fact that nobody else found that means you should probably toss the suggestion to the wolves--it's probably me.

Thanks Joy! 
I'm so glad the emotions are coming through strongly.    And I'll try to take more notice of my sentences that start with 'ing' words.  Thanks so much for your feedback and advice.

Thanks so much, Joy