Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Chapter 23 – (Yes, she’s at the station in her pj’s.  Think the sentence needs sharpening though)
Chapter 24 – Works for me.
Chapter 25 – Good opening.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Delia has internal stuff going on – regret that she didn’t move fast enough to help Lena.  She has major doubts about Chase. He wants to get out of whatever he’s in.  Delia’s date with  the Principal goes awry and she feels threatened.

§    Plot – Is it believable?  Yes.  Delia is doing what she thinks will help sort out her questions.  Chase is also trying to find his own solutions.  As to how Delia plans to get back on an ordinary footing with the Principal, I’ll wait to find out.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
Chapter 23 - Not much needed in the police scene as I assume, but a descriptive sentence would help. Chapter 24 – Scene between Delia/Chase is at her home, but it’s in white space.  Maybe add just a brief mention of her surroundings.  Same thing with Sammy’s office.  A one-liner would help set the scene there. Chapter 25 – Same thing for restaurant.  One sentence dropped in somewhere to set the scene. 


§    Characterization – Delia and Chase are themselves.  Delia blames herself for what happened to Lena and she’s trying to take charge of her thoughts and do something about the situation she’s now in.  Chase is his ever passionate self, but more dramatic in wanting to get out of his assignment because of his involvement with Delia.

§    Dialogue – Works for me.

§    Point of view – Yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Few instances where the show could be upped a notch.  Pointed out in chapter review.

§    Grammar & Spelling – No problems here.

§    Style/Tone –  Very easy to read.  Read all three chapters in one sitting.   

§    Prose –No

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?  Yes, the plotting that’s going on works well. 

§    Does the story move quickly?  Yes

§    Is the tension level high?
Yes, there’s tension in her meeting with Sam and the unspoken threat in his eyes.  Then there’s the business of the murder and her being somewhat involved.

§    Are the protagonists strong?  Delia’s finding her way through the mess she’s in.  She’s certainly more than a bystander in what’s happening around her.  Chase tries to be her protector and meantime has concerns of his own. 

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?  Yes, this is especially apparent in the Principal’s reaction to mention of Promise Stone.  Also the initial meeting between Sammy & Chase where they discuss the murder.

§    What you liked most and what worked well.
Delia’s take charge persona.  She decides to work out the problem and then takes steps to find out what she wants to know. 

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. / §  How do you think the story could be improved?   Hate it when she goes all weepy, but I have to give her a break this time – after all someone’s died.   

In Chapter 24, I remember thinking that I wasn’t feeling their pain.   Think maybe if you give me some action first, I could get into her thought process.  Show me Delia being restless, sighing, rubbing her forehead, staring at the ceiling.  Something about her body language to help me get into her disturbed frame of mind.  Hope this doesn’t come across as a lot of poppycock. 

  I think the transition between her thinking about her husband’s disgusting habits and the next sentence about going back to school could be better.  Maybe segue into the fact that Lena was a prostitute, a big surprise  and that she’d been devastated by her killing.

You tired, but lucky dog you.  Next time make sure you stick me in your suitcase someplace.

Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Chapter 23 – The urgency is clear. There she is, forgetting about modesty and everything else at the police station. Is anyone staring at her rack BTW. Men are men after all. If Chase were there, I could see him throwing a coat over her.
Chapter 24 –  Works well.
Chapter 25 –  Also does it’s job.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Delia’s inner turmoil is crystal clear, but Chase’s is looking a bit flat.
Again, the stakes have been raised to life and death physically. Delia has the conflict of mortal peril as well. Chase has only some conflict of the heart showing, but I can’t feel it nearly as much as Delia’s I’m wondering if he is/will be in mortal peril soon as well. You hinted that may be on the way a while ago, I think.

--- He was dying inside.  There had to be a way to make her see.  this is something I really want to see here too. What is he feeling physically. Does he have a sinking sensation, heart-burn, a knotted stomach? I want to feel his pain, not just know that he’s in it. (BTW, I am not a masochist. )


§    Plot – Is it believable?  Yes. But Chase seems too restrained. I like the cryptic comment from the principle that makes her nervous, but it needs justified since he seems to support the relationship too.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
Chapter 23 – I think the police station scene needs a little window dressing. Stale/scorched coffee. Bright fluorescent lights that assault the eyes, maybe one that blinks or hums incessantly. I also think it would be cool for her to see a bad-ass guy who looks violent (murderous even). She can wonder if that was how the killer looked. Maybe then, she can try to see/not see Chase in that role.

Chapter 24 – Maybe a little fleshing out to provide sensory tethers.

Chapter 25 –  Restaurants should generally include taste and smell in the setting. That tend to be the biggest part of the experience. You can use it to show Delia’s response to things too. Have you ever had an emotionally tense meal? For me, the flavor of the food starts to go flat and fell heavy in my stomach.


§    Characterization –
Delia is solid as always. Chase is a touch on the thin side.
Sammy needs some physical mannerisms I think.

§    Dialogue – On par.

§    Point of view –  Consistent. Again, Chase needs a bit more depth in his.

§    Show vs. Tell –
Overall this is still good. I won’t belabor the “Chase dying inside.† Part.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Solid as far as I can tell.

§    Style/Tone –  On par with what you are trying to communicate.

§    Prose ala Puce- none. I’d like a little more affection and tension however.

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action? 

Works for me.

§    Does the story move quickly?  Yes, but as stated before, the romance pace has gotten too slow.

§    Is the tension level high?

With life and death stakes, you have upped it a notch.

§    Are the protagonists strong? 
Delia is starting to come into her own here.
Chase’s strength could use a bit more showing.

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? 
Yes, Promise Stone is becoming more ominous.

§    What you liked most and what worked well.
Delia’s character arc is moving along well. The suspense is increasing at a good pace.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. / §  How do you think the story could be improved?   
I have already hit this point r/t Chase and the romantic aspect. Everything else works well.

Again, I want to FEEL along with the characters. Personally, when a major crisis hits me, I feel detached at first. Like it’s happening to someone else or a hallucination. After the initial shock, I take it all in the stomach. How does Delia feel physically?


*I can’t wait for additional chapters. You left me in suspense from the last one.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 26 - yes.  It shows the turmoil Delia is going thru, that she's determined to help find Lena's killer as well as get her own life in order
Ch 27 -  yes
Ch 28 -  yes, it sets up what is about to happen

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 26 -  Delia wondering what part Chase plays in the crimes going on
Ch 27 -  Delia matching wits with Sam
Ch 28 -  Jason bothering Delia at school, trying to talk her into staying married to him

§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
You've always done a great job on characterization.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
fine
Ch. 28 - My father is a loon.
You might want to change 'loon' to lunatic

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
showing

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
fine
Ch 28 - Delia lunged for him, scratching at him [in the process]. He grabbed her wrists and slammed her onto her desk knocking over papers and files in the process.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
fun read, not preachy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no

§    Is there enough action? yes
§    Does the story move quickly? yes
§    Is the tension level high? yes
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes


§    What you liked most and what worked well.
All of Delia's reactions felt real and believable.  The girl is carrying one heck of a stressful load.

Thanks everyone.

Amarie, In that chapter, Donna Lee is on the bed and Delia is at the table. I'll try to make that clear. Maybe I'll add the cop thing as one of her scenarios. I like that idea.

JEdi

Yeah, Delia lives in a studio apartment and the kitchen, living room, and bed room are all basically one room.

§    Opening 
Chapter 26 – Fine.  The reader knows what Delia’s mind set is from the opening.  Good hook at the end as well.
Chapter 27 – No problem with this one.  Good hook at the end too.
Chapter 28 – No problem.  Your hook at the end of each chapter is more attention getting than the opening.

§    Conflict – Delia determination to find out what Promise Stone is about/The relationship between her and Chase needs to be resolved/Principal Howard and how he fits into the whole picture.

§    Plot – Yes, it’s believable.  Delia is trying to get answers, but is being stonewalled everywhere she turns.

§    Setting – By now we don’t need much.  I’ve formed a mental picture of Delia’s home and the school. A touch of description in the restaurant wouldn’t hurt.

§    Characterization – Principal Howard is a bit threatening at the end of his conversation with Delia, but that’s appropriate since it seems he has something to hide.  Think the others behaved as I expected them to.

§    Dialogue – What you have does the job.

§    Point of view –The section with Jason starts our from her perspective, then it feels as though we slip into his……  Anger flashed in Jason's eyes briefly. He hated being rejected. No one said no to him. He quickly recovered his composure and said, "Obviously, you can't protect yourself. You've been almost killed twice."

§    Show vs. Tell – There is a good balance, but I think you can sometimes show more.  Think I pointed this out earlier in the individual chapter review.
 
§    Grammar & Spelling – No problems here.

§    Style/Tone – Very easy to read.

§    Purple Prose – No

For Romantic Suspense


§    Is there enough action? Yes

§    Does the story move quickly? Yes

§    Is the tension level high? Between Chase/Delia/ Jason/Delia Principal Howard/Delia

§    Are the protagonists strong? Delia is emerging as the not-quite-so-lost little girl now.

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? – Yes, what with her run-in with her husband the threatening feel to the ending of the meeting with the Principal.
Give overall impressions of the chapter:-

§    What you liked most and what worked well. – Delia is not the doormat she used to be.   She is now actively trying to put the pieces together to find out what Lena was involved in.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better./How do you think the story could be improved?  Just a touch more description in the restaurant scene as well as a touch more showing of your character’s reactions.

arianna cordelle sofer wrote:

Opps lost copy

BRB

Rats!

Having problems again/still.

This will be delayed. (more)

Ugh.

If I know rats - and I do - they've stashed your copy behind the cushions on the sofa LOL 

Great idea about describing Chase's face. I remember when I accidentally kicked my husband there when we were dating. I'm surprised he still married me!

Jedi

Thanks Amarie.


By the way, can anyone think of a better title for this book?

Oh Joy,

You made me laugh outloud with your comments about Locke. I'll have to find some weird things to add into his office.

Jedi

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 32 - Yes, it lets the reader feel Delia's vulnerability and how frantic she is to save her sister
Ch 33 -  yes
Ch 34 -  yes

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 32 - Delia learning Chase is a 24-yr-old cop instead of a HS student
Ch 33 - cracking the computer code
Ch 34 - Chase tells Donna Lee some details about his past

§    Plot – Is it believable?
The story is very believable

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
realistic and well-drawn setting

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
wonderful characterization

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
great dialogue

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
showing

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
clean writing

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
easy read, not preachy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no

§    Is there enough action? yes
§    Does the story move quickly? yes
§    Is the tension level high? yes
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes


§    What you liked most and what worked well.
I think Delia acted in a realistic way to finding out about Chase, especially on top of all the stress she'd been under trying to find Donna Lee.   The tension stays pretty high, even at the end of Ch 34 when Delia foreshadows something bad still to come.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better.
I don't think Delia would have been pounding on Chase's back like that.  When she kneed him in the nuts she felt threatened, as if she were defending herself.  I just think Delia is too good of a person to stoop to beating on him like that when she finds out he's a cop.  Maybe have her get in his face and push him, or maybe she could go to slap his face and Sam could grab her hand before she makes contact.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Chapter 32 – Works for me
Chapter 33 - Fine
Chapter 34 – Fine.  Lets the reader know how Lena came to be the way she was.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Delia’s conviction that these men are out to get her and her sister
Her internal struggle to resolve her feelings for Chase, the man-child.

§    Plot – Is it believable? – Yes, based on what we’ve seen taking place to date.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place? – With what’s happening, no major set up was needed for the hotel, school, her apartment and the hospital.  Formed visual images of these before.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
We’re seeing Chase in another role as the man/cop and Delia taking on the role of the injured party, which she is.  However, she keeps a cool head and does what’s required of her to get the job done.  She’s rounded out nicely, I think.  Still get the sense she’s vulnerable, but now she’s a bit firmer.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Think the dialogue was fine.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?  You go back and forth, but it wasn’t hard to figure out whose perspective I was in.

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?  Good balance, but I noted instances where I felt you could have been more descriptive.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
No problems here.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy? Easy to read as always.  No preachiness.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?  No

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?  Yes

§    Does the story move quickly? Yes

§    Is the tension level high?  Think Delia’s emotions and the info from the computer kept things up there.  Then the revelation came to round things out, which was okay. Delia’s suspicion that all is not over took things up a notch.

§    Are the protagonists strong? Yes

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?  Yes


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.  Liked that Delia did what she had to do even under stress. 

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. / How do you think the story could be improved?   Can’t think of anything now.