Okay, glad to be of help.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 29 -  yes, a strong opening.  'read the headline' sounded off, but maybe you could try 'the headline announced'.
Ch 30 - okay
Ch 31 - Yep, that's a grabber!

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 29 -  Derek trying to save his soul and Maj trying to find out who poisoned the water
Ch 30 - Maj looking for clues to the bad guy
Ch 31 -  Maj fighting to escape Blake, then struggling with Derek

§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes, I think all the components fit together to make this very believable

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
fine characterization

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
good dialogue

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
show

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
no

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
easy compelling read.  The first half of Ch 29 felt a little preachy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no

§    Is there enough action? yes
§    Does the story move quickly? yes
§    Is the tension level high? yes, very
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes

§    What you liked most and what worked well.
You do a great job keeping the suspense level high, giving new clues to what's going on with each progressive chapter. 

I totally get that Derek is reaching to religion as a way to turn himself around.  It's just that the first section of 29, along with part of one previous chapter with Derek burning stuff,  is written in a very different tone from the rest of the novel.  I'm afraid some readers might get turned off thinking it's religious overload.

You have three scriptures quoted.  I would suggest keeping one in full, but maybe paraphrase the other two, or say he remembered a verse about such and such.  That would help take out some of the churchy sermon feel.  The part about the church bus pointed to divine intervention and while I liked the eerie driver's dialogue, I'm not completely sure it fit.   I think the prayers Derek says are fine, since they are showing his remorse and viewpoint.

Thank you for your help, Tina and JP. Great reviews.

With the verses there, I just want readers to see how he's getting to the decision he makes, how important this is for him. The reason I have the part at the end of the scene with the driver is because when you're a Satanist, as Derek is, you believe beyond any doubt evil spirits are real. He wants to be set free not from just all the wrong deeds he's done, both manipulated and not, but also from the demonic bondage he's in. Plus, I want to have a reason for his dream changing. I don't want it to be because of coincidence. I think it's cool to have the church pray-ers, who've been mentioned a few times, tie into the plot and his character arc and not just be some superfluous detail of non-importance.

Still, I don't see how it's preaching or religious overload by just putting in a couple of verses and having him pray. I intentionally left the narrative VERY thin so it could be seen as Derek's experience. I don't demand people get on their knees. This is something he's searching for. That's it. If I had some Buddhist chants in there instead, would people have a problem with it? Think not. All this relates to Derek and his hunger for redemption.

At the end of the first scene in 27, when he feels spirits flee from him, I turned almost all of that into a journal entry. He describes what he experiences instead. At the beginning he's speaking and at the end he's writing. I say very little.

There's no way on earth I could market this as a Christian book or even edit it to be one. It's way too gritty. Profanity. Drugs. Drunkenness. Sexual references. Some slightly steamy scenes with people get felt up. It would never, ever fly.

I'll try paraphrasing the verses or something, maybe make the important parts pop.

Last edited by amarie (02-22-2009 21:32:14)

okay:

I reworked the two scenes that had verses. How do these read?

In Ch 27  the two verses I used are now paraphrased. And the spirits fleeing at the end is all a journal entry.

Little of [Revelation] made sense, with its mention of creatures and judgments, but two verses in chapter 22 sparked a sense of hopelessness and doom. Outside the gates of a glorious city, welcoming only the cleanest souls, would be the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and those who love and practice falsehood…banished forever.

* * *

He grumbled and opened the Bible again. He’d seen something about coming. He flipped through the pages until he spotted it. Rev. 22:17. Yes! An invitation for the thirsty to come and receive the free gift of the water of life.

Ch 29:

He searched the pages with urgency, accidentally ripping the corner of one. Romans what? Three something. There it is. Twenty-two. “This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe."  He circled “all"  with a pen. He turned a page, then another and ran his eyes and finger down the page. Where is it? Where is it? Here. 6:20. It spoke of having been slaves to sin, yada, yada, yada and set free. The “set free" part jumped out at him.

***I didn't think there would be a point in paraphrasing that first verse since it's short, but I cut off the two other verses I had with it. Now it's just that one. And then I have this one because I want readers to know what words he's repeating:

I need God’s forgiveness somehow, but is it impossible for a dog? He’d seen topics in the back. He looked up “forgive."  One sparked his interest with, “to forgive us our sins."  He licked his dry lips and dashed to I John 1:9 with trembling fingers. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."  He read the words over and over, trying to imagine how in the world they could possibly be true much less applicable to him.

***And that's it.

Is that better?

Last edited by amarie (02-23-2009 06:17:00)

Oh sorry, Tina. I didn't upload my changes to my on-site document. I just changed it on my original. I did end up paraphrasing all but one verse.

I like the shuttle bus part and the eerie driver conversation. It's not just about Derek feeling forgiven, it's also about his dream changing for a reason. I've mentioned the praying nuts a few times, even in chapter 1. I want there to be a reason for the dream changing and I want the prayer drives to tie in to the story in small way. I know people who have gone on these things and they report such eerie stories all the time, which is how I got the idea for this book. I referred to the stories a bit when Warren was sitting in church in chapter 5.

Last edited by amarie (02-23-2009 11:25:12)

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 32 - The first sentence is a bit long, so you might want to break it into 2 between 'funeral home' and 'her lungs'.
Ch 33 - yes
Ch 34 -  The beginning sentences on all the sections you added seemed to work

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 32 -  Maj dealing with Derek's death and letting Alec know her feeling for him

§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Believable

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Most of the dialogue is really good, but a few parts of it don't really sound like things high school students would say or think.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
mostly show

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
grammar is fine


§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
easy read

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no


§    Is there enough action? yes
§    Does the story move quickly? yes
§    Is the tension level high? yes
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes


§    What you liked most and what worked well
I really liked the unexpected ending in the epilogue. 

The snippets from Ch 34 will definitely help round out Karyn's character, making her seem much more like a loving mother as she worries about Maj's abduction.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch.32  On the Tuesday morning after the bloody battle, by the time Majesty drooped into her chair next to Alec at Derek's memorial service in some gaudy funeral home, her lungs ached and her face burned hot from bawling.  Feels too long to me. Like your trying to force in too much info. I don’t think we need to know it happened on a Tuesday.
Ch. 33  At a click, the young man froze, expecting Legion to usher him to his throne room in glory. – This sentence confused me because I don’t know what the click is.
Ch. 34  Flat on her back on her pillow-top mattress, Karyn Alistair puffed her bangs out of her eyes and tried the zipper again – I like it

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
32  Maj dealing with Derek’s death
33  everything with Preston is revealed. Maj gets revenge.


§    Plot – Is it believable?
Yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
Yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
At this point, the characters are very well drawn, especially Maj and Alec

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Ch. 32  “Got roses from him today. Donny's such a sweetie. I know I'm always thanking you for setting us up, but really, I just can't stop. We should get together this summer.†  This seems like an odd thing to say considering her last sentence was talking about Wendy’s death. Maybe there should be some sort of connecting sentence.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent? yes
§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?   yes
§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors. None that I noted
§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy? I like your style!
§    Prose – Is there any purple prose? no

For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§    Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate? yes

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action? yes
§    Does the story move quickly? yes
§    Is the tension level high? yes
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.
I liked the title of chapter 32. Feels prophetic.
I love Alec’s letter. Makes me cry every time.
The first part of chapter 34 was good foreshadowing of Karyn’s pregnancy

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. §    How do you think the story could be improved?

Just a question  - Is the psychologist at the restaurant the same one that works with Derek? I couldn’t remember her name.
You ask whether we think Karyn killed the boys. I don’t think that only because she would have no motivation.

I think the extra chapters with Karyn do help to take it out of YA a little more, but I’m afraid your book may be too long over all. Just my opinion. I mean, I couldn’t believe a publisher wanted me to cut BBB. It was only 254 pages to begin with.

amarie wrote:

Thanks so much for that great feedback. Very helpful!

Oh yes. That's the same doctor. As Derek's leaving with Cynthia, he hears her laugh and I give a little blurb about her there.

At the click, the young man was afraid his bomb was going off. I thought his actions and the narrative showed that. I'll have to go back and check to make sure i have the same intro in the prologue. I'm forever tweaking it.

You're right about word count, if an agent sees this as being more YA. As a general fiction book, 100,000 words is fine, which is what I intended to have it as when I wrote it. Adult suspense with crossover for older teens. But for YA, 100,000 words is too long, for the most part, unless you're writing about beautiful, sparkly vampires and a unique blood scent. Generally, books average 60,000 words. There's no way I could cut 40,000 words. Maybe 10,000, but even that's a stretch toward heartbreak.

Gag.

Don't even bring up vampires.

ugh.

I will never understand why that's popular.

Chapter 33

Liked the questionable note on which you ended. 

Unsinged on blacktop (not sure what this bit means.  Guess I’m slow today)  and still staring at the pointy coronet atop Rischstar Enterprises, Inc., he sighed in relief and inched the door closed on the Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder he’d keylessly borrowed.

Amazing how Preston can justify what he did as though he’s perfectly rational.  Guess all’s well that ends well.  Majesty’s satisfaction is worth the read.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 35 - yes, for the beginnings of each of the sections.
Ch 36 - I definitely vote for Query #2.     The first one is good, but I didn't think baseball should be the opener.  The second is much stronger and grabs the attention better, IMHO.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 35 - Karyn discovering she's pregnant and being confronted with the idea Paul might not be what he seems


§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes, it's totally believable that she could be pregnant and not know it.  I've heard about women going to the doctor for stomach pains and delivering on the exam table.  Not common but it happens.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
the added sections add to Karyn's character

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
good

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
mostly show

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
hardly any mistakes, clean writing


§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
easy, not preachy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no


§    Is there enough action?  yes
§    Does the story move quickly? yes
§    Is the tension level high? yes
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes


§    What you liked most and what worked well
Very believable reasons why Karyn wouldn't have thought she was pregnant until she felt the baby move, and realistic symptoms.


§    How do you think the story could be improved?
I'm wondering if you might ought to show Karyn worrying about raising the baby without a father, and worrying about its' health since she's finding out so late in her pregnancy.  She could feel awful about having the occasional glass of wine during the past few months, or wonder if the aspirin she took caused the baby any damage, and of course she wouldn't have been taking prenatal vitamins.  I know from my experience and from hysterical questions from expecting friends that unsubstantiated fears about the baby can take a person over during this stage of pregnancy.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Chapter 32
Sugg. Shortening the sentences, maybe like so… Majesty’s  lungs ached and her face burned hot from bawling.   By the time she  drooped into her chair next to Alec at Derek's memorial service [in some gaudy funeral home on  the Tuesday morning after the bloody battle – If this info is necessary, you could incorporate in another sentence],  she doubted she could stomach Preston's service [tomorrow] the following day.
Chapter 33
The first couple of sentences are a bit obscure, but I got your explanation for that.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?  Maj is dealing with a lot with the Derek’s death and the loss of Alec.  Then he goes through his own turmoil, which eventually ends in good things for them both.   With the discovery of Derek’s writings, she’s thrown into turmoil again.
Preston is full of angst and clearly trusts no one, so he’s in position to do all his enemies in.

§    Plot – Is it believable? Yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?  Didn’t absorb much, guess because I’ve already established much of the school etc. in my mind.
Inside and out of  the building was fine. No problems visualizing.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.   At this point, a lot of introspection is going on and part of what I’ve come to expect from your characters.  Preston is full of anger, nasty as he’s been for most of the tale.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less? Dialogue was fine

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?  Yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?   Your scenes are full of energy, as always.
 
§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.  No problem

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?  No problems.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose? No


For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?  Winding down time now, so I don’t expect too much action.  But at the end Preston does manage to liven things up, never mind the though that he’s getting away without his reward.
.
§    Does the story move quickly?  Yes
§    Is the tension level high?  Sorta, as Maj’s emotions take us along for much of 32.
§    Are the protagonists strong?  Yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?  Yes  Derek’s writing definitely adds to what has gone before.


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.  Maj and Alec finally get together.   Liked the tone of Donny’s comment at the end.  The reader is not quite sure that he’s not one of the bad guys.  But it's a satisfactory ending. The bad guys are blown away and the most evil of the lot gets nothing.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better.  / §    How do you think the story could be improved? – No complaints at all.