Thanks so much, Tina, for the great read and review.

You can do the overall, Rian, whenever you have time. I don't really need any chapter specific notes unless there's something in there I need to change or there's an unanswered question left dangling. You've already done so much in such a short period of time and I really appreciate it.

That's fine, Joy. I haven't gotten to yours either. Will do.

Last edited by amarie (11-03-2008 20:00:37)

Kings and Queens
Chapters 23-25
§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
23- Fine
24 –Great
25-good
§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
23 – definitely. Majesty is suspicious of Alec. Derek meets weird guy
24 – Skye kidnapped, Alec and Maj’s love issues – this chapter has so much in it you may be able to break it up into two.
25 – more suspicion of Alec , tension with Blake
§    Plot – Is it believable?
Yes. We’re dealing with teenagers in this book. Maj has been traumatized, it’s perfectly believable that she would be so suspicious and unsettled. Although I find it hard to believe that she is so dedicated in going to school. I would’ve taken a few days off. Maybe you could change the setting to somewhere besides school.
§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
I talked about setting above. It may help give it more of an adult feel if they are in school less. Even the dance that was in an earlier chapter, you could have that take place in a hotel ballroom or something.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Characters are well-developed

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Ch 23
*** “We won’t get caught, little girl. My car’s way down the street,† Derek said – little girl sounds awkward here since they’re the same age
Every once in a while the language sounds a little young. I mean, it’s fine for YA but if you’re going for an older crowd you might want to make them sound more grown up
§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
Yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
yes
§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
Ch 25
*** Alec dipped in, banged around fro several minutes and finally emerged with a surveillance camera - for
§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
Good tone. Easy to read style

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no
For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§    Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate?
yes

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?
Yes

§    Does the story move quickly?
Yes

§    Is the tension level high?
Definitely

§    Are the protagonists strong?
yep
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?
yes


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.
I love the love triangle. I’m a sap
§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. §    How do you think the story could be improved?
*** The two-minute drive whizzed by like a whirly amusement park ride – I don’t think this analogy works. Makes it seem like the car ride was fun also seems YA

Thanks for the great reviews.

I'm putting up Karyn Alistair's scenes, Maj's mom, so when you get the end of the book, I'd appreciate a scan...since it's raw, virgin, never-been-read material.

Oh, for Karyn, I've given her a keen intuition, which hints at maybe a spiritual sensitivity that will be reinforced more greatly in my sequel. Like she tends to sense when those close to her are seriously injured or in mortal danger, that kind of thing.

Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Generally the openings and closing of the chapters keep me hooked. This is sustained here.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
The who do I trust issue appears to be the strongest, but the plausibility is difficult to sustain in my mind because they have been life long friends. The planted evidence in Alec’s room and the other things are all explainable. There really isn’t enough to keep my justify suspicions on Alec. Even if I suspend reality a bit.
§    Plot – Is it believable?
The general plot seems well structured. Some of the set up for twists and character behavior seems a bit awkward from my perspective.
The planted evidence in Alec’s room and the other things are all explainable. There really isn’t enough to keep my justify suspicions on Alec. Even if I suspend reality a bit.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
You established this early and have sustained it.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.

Again, you established early and have continued to build upon and sustained characters.
§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
It moves the story along well and is in line with character and story.
§    Point of view – Is it consistent?

Yes.
§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 

On par.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
I didn’t find any nits
§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?

As always, the writing is clean and easy to read.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?

N/A and doesn’t seem your style anyway.


For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?
Definitely.  And the whole thing with Derek and the black out is a great hook.

§    Does the story move quickly?
Good pace with a break now to attend the relationship and add collateral peril. Works well with suspense coming from multiple directions.
§    Is the tension level high?
Yes, overall. The only issues is the misdirection related to who the guilty parties are.
§    Are the protagonists strong?
Maj. Hmmm… she is, then she’s not really. It’s frustrating because she wavers so much.
Derek is perpetually tormented. (sigh)
Alec is in contact frustrated and wounded puppy mode.

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?
Absolutely. This is on par.


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.
The mysterious bad guys and the hidden plan. I want to know what all this is for.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better.
The suspicion and twists keep the characters a little too fragmented and effects the sense of plausibility somewhat. Also, with Alec (since we never get his POV) his behavior/character seem thin. He comes off ass a bit whiney to be honest. But if there was more insight to his character, maybe he’d make sense to me.

§    How do you think the story could be improved?
No other ideas.

I see some of this. (This is based on overall their overall interaction not just these 3 chaps)

The biggest problem is that I can't enjoy Maj being with Alec when my heart is breaking for Derek. It's not that I want to see him with Maj so much as that his constant suffering holds the vast majority of my empathy and emotional attention.

We have something in common in our novels that way. I have set it up for a Team Nicholas and a Team Tony. Of course, knowing that most female readers go for Tony.

It's hard to balance the bitter and the sweet unless you give the reader cause to pick one side over the other. In the end it's a matter of giving the reader the "pay off."

Side note: I owe you a little because, I gained some insight as a reader/writer from reading your novel that I am still considering. Though it won't change the course of my plot, it gives me something to chew on. One of the brothers dies eventually (book 2), and readers who fell for him are angry/frustrated/upset with me over it. Not kidding. I actually had to defend myself with a few. LOL! Saying, "I didin't do it to be dramatic. It's essential to the plot or I'd wouldn't have done it. I adore him too."

I had some of the same reaction to Derek's fate, but will give you those notes when we get to those chapters.

I wish I could put my finger on exactly what would cover what I'm thinking about Alex here. It could be that it seems too complicated and unnatural given the history of the relationship and established character. Hmmm.... Maybe just a bit more to substantiate the rift between them. Since they have been life long friends, I don't see them just leaving so much unspoken all of a sudden. So maybe that's what doesn't ring true.

There needs to be a plausible barrier in the way. The other girl taking up this time worked for a while. Maybe he can leave town for a sick uncle to a few days after the initial trust/tension moments.

Or he can just be blunt about how crazy she sounds. Then she could be honestly embarrassed and simply avoid him for a while.

He could flat out say, "I've had it with you Maj! If you don't know me better by now, there's nothing I can say. Don't speak to me again until to get your head straight."  That seems more plausible than this half measure dancing around. Of course, since it'll take a while to get her "head straight" the barrier will between them.


Just a thought to make Alec seem less whiny more defined (more plausible) while maintaining the rift.

I have written reivews huge on all three chapters and just as I was finishing them, the site dumped me       

Rian would you like me to post the reviews (edits and suggestions) directly onto your site. I just CAN'T repeat everything I had on here 

I know this is not what I am supposed to do, but I haven't got time to do it again, but will make time for other detailed reviews if you like.

Bestest.

Diana

amarie wrote:

I'm sorry you lost all your review work.

Did you mean me or Rian at the end there? Cuz I'm not sure what you mean.

Sorry, I'm losing my marbles      I meant you actually!
Diana

How could you like Derek over Alec?! Alec is such a sweetheart. Rian, you are crazy. But I already knew that.

I'm Team Alec all the way.

Jedi

jediprincess wrote:

How could you like Derek over Alec?! Alec is such a sweetheart. Rian, you are crazy. But I already knew that.

I'm Team Alec all the way.

Jedi

Hey!

I'm not picking one over the other.

And you're a fickle one.

First, you're all cozy over Nicholas, then you you want Tony sent to your house to cure his chronic issue. Ah-huh... I see how it is...

Tsk...tsk...

Rian

Kings and Queens

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch. 26 yes
Ch 27 – yes. Very nice imagery
Ch. 28 - yes

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch. 26 – definitely. Derek wants answers! He finally finds out why he is so screwed up
Ch. 27 – Derek realizes what he is, tries at redemption, doesn’t want to get involved with Maj, but wants to help Alec.
Ch. 28 – Aislyn gets poisoned, Derek finds out more about his sorted mind.

§    Plot – Is it believable?
Ch. 26 – yep
Ch. 27 – yep
Ch. 28 -  A little hard to believe that no one saw him kill four people, but I guess it’s possible.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
Ch. 26 – yep
Ch. 27 – yep
Ch. 28 – yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Very well-developed characters

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Good dialogue

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
Yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?
Yes

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
None

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
Very easy to read.
Ch. 27 got a little preachy, but I think that’s what you were going for. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 is another good text if you want to get out of revelation. You can have him open the Bible randomly and his eyes are drawn to that text.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
nope

For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§    Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate?
yes

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?
Ch. 26 even though the entire chapter takes place in one room, there is so much action. It was an exciting read
Ch. 28 – Once again I was at the edge of my seat with this chapter. It’s a really nail biter.
§    Does the story move quickly?
Yes

§    Is the tension level high?
Ch. 26 definitely
Ch. 28 definitely.

§    Are the protagonists strong?
Yes

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?
yes


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.
I love the details of the program you worked out in ch. 26. It’s sick, detailed, a huge conspiracy, but believable.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. §    How do you think the story could be improved?
When he’s at the cemetery, Derek cries and says he’s made such a mess out of his life. I kind of feel bad for him because really it’s not his fault. He was manipulated. Maybe he could say his life has become such a mess.

No, I think the research is good. Readers always want to learn something new. At least I do. I think listed specific scriptures stuck out to me. I don't think books usually do that. Most of the books I've read just quote gernerally. But I think it's fine. Derek has to find some sort of peace somehow. And the Bible does preach forgiveness. That's why I like the scripture in Corinthians because it lists a whole bunch of bad qualities then says that is what some of you were but you have been washed clean. It is the same sentiment as the Revelation scripture you used about washing the robes.  My opinion might be biased as I am always looking for religious overtones and undertones in literature. I would love to teach a class in the Bible as literature where we study all the allusions to the Bible in literature and film.

Don't even get me started on all the biblical alusions in Star Wars.

Jedi

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?

Chapter 26 – Works well
Chapter 27 – Work well too.
Chapter 28 – Works okay

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?  Derek’s confusion over who and what he is. The Dr. sorts out her own conflicts by taking her own way out. 
Alec and Maj / Maj’s internal conflict over catching the killer.

§    Plot – Is it believable? – Given the storyline so far, yes.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place? – The setting is pretty much set now, so I didn’t have any problems here.

§    Characterization – Derek is confused and searching for explanations.  He’s also volatile as he’s been for a while.  Think all of them are a bit antsy right now. Maj is on edge, wanting to sort out everything and has ticked Alec off, thinking he’s somehow involved.  He also seems a bit more volatile, but then he would be since he’s had some discord with Maj and now to find out she thinks he’s up to no good.

§    Dialogue – Worked for me
§    Point of view – Didn’t have any problems here
§    Show vs. Tell – Lots of show

§    Grammar & Spelling – Didn’t find any
It took [him] two seconds for him to identify it, then he gasped.
His foot splashed a puddle, soaking his right pant leg.
(Unless it’s significant for the reader to know his right pant leg got splashed, you can take out right)

§    Style/Tone – I think there were one or two moments where I stopped because of word choices, but I’m used to it, based on how you write.  Is the tone preachy? Didn’t think so.  The biblical passages related to Derek’s situation, so I didn’t feel I was being preached at. I read it that they were for his edification.

§    Prose – No

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action? Yes

§    Does the story move quickly? Yes

§    Is the tension level high? Yes – particularly with Derek wanting to just let somebody have it.

§    Are the protagonists strong? Yes – everybody’s now established and they’re all searching for something.

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? Yes


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-

§    What you liked most and what worked well.  Really enjoyed when Derek called on Jesus and the spirits fled and left him feeling wonderful.  Also got a good look at his confusion/anger and outrage.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. /§    How do you think the story could be improved?

Had a thought here - where Derek had the doctor pressed flat on the bed, you had blood tricking down between her breasts.  Since she’s flat on her back, if I cut her on the side of the neck, I’m thinking blood would flow to the side.

Also, since the doctor is carrying such a load, I’m wondering if her sleep should be as peaceful as it was while Derek watched.