Hi amarie,

With the part about Maj taking the pills... I wasn't surprised. I expected her to do that the minute she saw them.
The other surprises worked better for me anyway. What is really in that Zoloft bottle.

You might want to avoid using brand name and going with generic drug name for the story. It's called Sertraline. I don't know if you just want the reader to know that it's an anti-depressent (SSRI type) or if you want to use that name specifically. Or are you looking for something that has drug interaction or specific side effects? Also it is important to know that Zoloft and most SSRIs are known for deacreasing labido and in higher doses can cause anorgasmia (as in can't have an orgasm) Of course, your average reader does not know this kind of stuff.

I am reaaly curious know that Maj is experiencing what Derek did and the Warren had intense dreams too. They all had grief and loss issues as well. The kind of things that they might need a prescription for. There are a few other bits and pieces coming to the surface too.


Hmm....

Rian

You might want to check "officially" but I  don't think you can. Not that publishers wouldn't catch it. Psych meds are famous for side effects, so I think the company might get a bit twitchy since the name Zoloft will be linked to some bad behaiviors even though you will reveal that it's not really the case.

The way you described the pill, I knew right away. Even at that most people won't eliminate by description.

What you could do is have her be familiar with a anti-depressent non-brand name becuase someone she knew someone took it or she saw one of those commercials or adds. Maybe the doctor gave her mother a prescription (that she threw away or something) after her father died. She would only need to recognize the name. Generics are often used after a certain time period. A drug company can only hold exclusivity on a drug for so long. Usually when you hear the commercial for the CR or ER (controlled release or extended release)version of a product, the standard has just gone generic.

If you want I can find one with an easy to remember and pronounce generic name. Then all she has to do is recongnize the name and "think" the connection for the reader.


Rian

I'll get you an easy to remember generic this evening.

As for POV switch to 1st person, it didn't jar me all that much. I oriented to it without much delay.

The POV does add to the emotion. What an awful experience. It made me cringe and was difficult to read from an emotional stand point. What's happening (has happened) to Derek is heartbreaking. I am engaged in his character and worried about his fate more so than Maj's. She is the protag, so her ultimate survival is traditionally not in question. Alec and Derek (by all appearences) have had a sharp axe poised over their necks for quite some time.

That is an effective tool of suspence and creates another level of emotional involvement. As cruel as it is, people buy books for these emotional rides. We're just giving them what they want.

I am learning a great deal from reading this book, and this particular element is one I plan to use in my sequel. The reader will know from the beginning of the book that a specific (and beloved) MC will be gone by the end. Reading your book makes me feel a little guilty, because I'm starting to see how it feels. It easier to write it, because you have control over fate.

Reading is a different story. (pun intended)

Rian

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 20 - okay, it reminds us about the shredded dress and what is going on.
Ch 21 -  yes
Ch 22 -  yes

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
yes, the bad guys are getting closer

§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes, the conspiracy that seems to be going on, the murders, even the really freaky stuff with Derek all seem believable to me.  The conversation about Maj's mom's sex life was really odd ( I personally could NOT imagine myself EVER telling my teenage daughter about a boyfriend's 'floppiness' and we talk about all kinds of stuff), but maybe she has that kind of strange relationship?

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place? yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Derek's character is really growing in these chapters

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
all smooth here, except one part I noted in the chapter reviews.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?
mostly showing

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
no problems

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
these chapters were easy to read and not preachy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no


§    Is there enough action? Oh yes, non-stop action that really boosted the suspense level in a good way. 
§    Does the story move quickly? yes
§    Is the tension level high? Oh yes
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes

§    What you liked most and what worked well.
The scene where Maj and Derek skip school to snoop was a lot of fun to read, especially where she's describing what she sees through the binoculars.  These were fun edge-of-my-seat type chapters that I really enjoyed. 

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better.
In Chapter 21, I thought it was Maj dreaming until I read the following line:
Santa turns to me and whispers, “Don’t worry, little man. You didn’t kill your mom.â€
I thought you might want to hint that it was Derek dreaming earlier on.

§    How do you think the story could be improved?
This is just a silly little suggestion for Ch 20 in the sentence that goes "The little one fell asleep when the goat emerged in the story."  My kids LOVED "Green Eggs and Ham".  I thought you might want to replace 'emerged in the story' with a few words about what he was doing, like ' got on the boat (or whatever he did)'.  I know, silly, but since so many people will relate to that kiddie book, I thought it might be a nice touch. 

Amarie

Chapter 20

You’ve upped things a notch this chapter – Paul caught on tape, Maj finds the message from her dad and is suspicious all over again.  The episode with Paul makes the reader tense.  All in all, the chapter moved really well.

Hmm…now that I think about it.  If Maj’s dad died four months ago. Isn’t it a little soon for her after so many years of marriage to even think about a relationship. I know she says she just needs to be cared for, but putting myself in her position, I wouldn’t even be thinking about the male species so soon after my husband’s death. 

I know he needed to get inside their house, but don't remember what his 'in' was - that is, whether he had a convincing way in which he met Maj's mother.

Thoughts/suggestions:-

~~As her mother [was bending and placing] (bent to place/slip/slide??) the baking dish into the oven, she gurgled.

~~After drying the last plate and placing it in[to] the cabinet,

~~stop leaving me silly crap. (would she use ‘crap’ to her father?)

~~(not sure what this sentence means.) Why had she contorted his sweet generosity into some silly thing she’d long since outgrown?

~~Majesty scowled in fury. Sugg deleting ‘in fury’.  Scowling is enough to indicate her anger.

~~She would take down anyone who posed a threat to her sister.  (think ‘take down’ here is too dramatic.)

Chapter 22

Okay,

So now, all hell has broken loose and Derek has snatched some of the information and is bent on breaking into the company.  Don’t remember how it went, so I guess I’ll see how he achieves this.   Did I mention the great car chase scene?

Thoughts/suggestions:

~~Though not ominous sounding, it made his hair stand on end for some reason he had yet to ascertain. ( the ascertain makes the sentence sounds stilted.  Would ‘identify’ work?)

~~After a grumble, he ‘huffed’,… Derek ‘huffed’. I'm an idiot for even suggesting we go here.

~~Majesty quickly buckled up and slouched, shrieking in agony.  (okay, here’s another instance where you show and tell.  If you wanted to show only, you could say she was shrieking and clutching her arm, rather than telling the reader she was in agony)

~~Derek weaved around traffic with the scurry and ease of a cockroach. (loved this!)

~~Majesty yelled [in shock – telling again] as a car in the lane nearly collided with the rear end of Derek’s.

~~Maj cried and crossed her hands over her sternum. (Think it would be better to use 'chest'.  Coming off the fast paced chase, ‘sternum’ pulled me up a bit, as in… what the heck is that again? Oh, breastbone!)

Thanks for your great read and review, Word. I'm going to build up the fact that Paul and Majesty's mother are just really good friends. She likes spending time with him. She's using him for escape the same way Majesty uses her activities. In chapter 25??? I think she recognizes this, and tells Majesty, but I'll try to bring that out more during their kitchen conversation.

12:11 just missed the deadline argh
Kings and Queens 20-22

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch. 20 – fine
Ch 21 – I like it. I don’t find it Jarring. I think it’s intriguing
Ch. 22 - good

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
§    Plot – Is it believable?
Ch 20 – Just something to think about…Why wouldn’t Maj show her mother the tape of Paul snooping around immediately? You may want to mention something about her wanting to find out more about him first. But then again…given the note and Paul possibly having something to do with her father’s death, Maj may be more motivated to get him out of the house than find out more.
§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes
§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Great characters

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Ch. 20 - “Where’s your main squeeze?† Majesty asked – If this line stays I think you need to make it sarcastic. Teenagers today wouldn’t say that. More like: Where’s your boo?
Ch. 21 - Yeah, I know. You can trust me. I know I can’t tell the authorities any of this, only suspicions. – This is a good line because it shows why she’s not going to the police yet. You may want to add in something about them not believing her anyway.
Ch. 22 - But while his eyes beckon with the allure of a snake charmer, yours say get the f away from me – Sorry, this doesn’t work here. Either you have to change the sentence entirely or you have to have Maj say the word. After what they’ve just been through and the emotions going through them now, I can’t see her saying get the f away from me. What about get the hell away from me. Since Maj doesn’t curse that may get the point across.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
Yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
Yes

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
Ch. 20 “I know,† she said(,) returning to her mixing. She then whispered, “But...he can’t.â€

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
good
§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
No


For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§    Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate?
yes

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action? yes
§    Does the story move quickly? yes
§    Is the tension level high? yes
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.
I loved chapter 22 a real nail biter. Excellent and exciting writing.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better.  How do you think the story could be improved? –Not much I can think of to improve it. Great work

arianna cordelle sofer wrote:

Hi amarie,

Sorry it took me a while to get you the list. These are the most common ones, I'll * the ones that are the oldest and/or most commonly prescibed (to my knowlege).

SSRI's are more popular, because they have the least amount of side effects. Prozac was the one that caused all the controvery r/t adolescent suicide rates.

Some anti-depressants are contraindicated for use with teens. Trazedone is often given with SSRI's r/t the side effect of sleep disturbance. Avoid the MAOI's and tricylclics. They are an older class of med and seldom used, especially on teens.

You could also use a mild anti-anxiety medication insteead of an SSRI. Buspirone is NOT a benzo, so it is frequently prescribed related to being non-addictive. That might be a good one to use. It would make sense that someone prescribed it to Derek at one point. It would also make sense for her mother to have been srescribed it after her husband died, if she had concerns about dependency, abuse, etc. It is also a fairly easy word to pronounce/remember. Paxil is most often used for a combination of depression and/or social anxiety disorders.

Let me know if you need anything else.

Antidepressant Medications

amitriptyline --- Elavil
amoxapine--- Asendin
bupropion---  Wellbutrin
citalopram ---(SSRI) Celexa
clomipramine--- Anafranil
desipramine --- Norpramin, Pertofrane
doxepin Adapin, --- Sinequan
escitalopram --- (SSRI) Lexapro
fluvoxamine --- (SSRI) Luvox
fluoxetine ---(SSRI) Prozac
imipramine  --- Tofranil
isocarboxazid --- (MAOI) Marplan
maprotiline ----  Ludiomil
mirtazapine --- Remeron
nefazodone ---  Serzone
nortriptyline --- Aventyl, Pamelor
paroxetine --- (SSRI) Paxil
phenelzine ---- (MAOI) Nardil
protriptyline --- Vivactil
sertraline --- (SSRI) Zoloft
tranylcypromine --- (MAOI) Parnate
trazodone --- Desyrel
trimipramine --- Surmontil
venlafaxine --- Effexor



 
Antianxiety Medications
(All of these antianxiety medications except buspirone are benzodiazepines)
alprazolam Xanax
buspirone BuSpar
chlordiazepoxide Librax, Libritabs, Librium
clonazepam Klonopin
clorazepate Azene, Tranxene
diazepam Valium
halazepam Paxipam
lorazepam Ativan
oxazepam Serax
prazepam Centrax

Sorry. I missed this. Thank you so much, Arianna.

Thanks Rian, That's very helpful. Great points. In the beginning of the novel, I did have more a lot of imagery, but I slipped it in unobtrusively, but you're right about these later chapters. I was focusing more on the action. I'll put in some more scene description and get more visceral.

I have described characters, but I dispersed the info rather than listing it in one spot. Warren has the most unique look, so he's pretty easy. Majesty has dark hair - ch 1, brown eyes - Alec calls her that, I said she was 5'3" ch1, in chapter 4, through Derek's eyes, we see she's well-toned and thin, she usually wears plain clothes - via Blake. I thought that was enough of a picture. From the attention she's getting, she has to be cuter than she sees herself.

I described Derek in chapter 2, dark hair, blue eyes, muscular. Alec has blue-green eyes and light brown hair. He's built also. Alec is adorable to me, not gawky. He'd never be like the boys today who let there hair go all Greg Brady. I could get more into the types of clothes the guys wear. Preston is sexy cute, blond, tan, muscular, has intense blue-eyes and dimples; the guy every girl wants. They're all athletes and no taller than 5'9".

Alec is a little bit at arm's-length because he's seen through the eyes of others. He has a POV much later.

The mother is not a huge character in the story. I named her Karyn, but it never appears in the book. She's a claims adjuster but her job isn't even mentioned. She is fragile and easily shaken. She is also non-confrontational and caves to Majesty's stronger personality to avoid bigger fights. It's hard to show her true personality because she's a quiet type and they're under stress, which she doesn't handle it well at all. That's partly why she's leaning on Paul. But I'll work on exposing more of her.


Jedi was having problems with Derek and you're having them with Maj. If you collaborate, maybe you can help my characters pop. All suggestions are welcome.

Last edited by amarie (10-13-2008 21:45:34)

Hey amarie,

I rememder the descriptions vaguely. Tha's why I am thinking you might want to reinforce them every once in a while.

The only example I can come up with (without running to my bookshelf to find some thing) is from my own book. I hope you don't mind that. Again, I get feedback sometimes that I'm too descriptive so keep that in mind.

In the beginning chapters I have fairly vivid descriptions. As the story progresses, I put visual and other sensory cues in to reinforce the intitial despritions to maintain the image.

Here's a couple of quick examples:

In addition to this, I put other bits into actions, thoughts and dialogue such as Tony tugging at his spiky hair. When I went through to look for examples, I realized that I’m missing rein forcers for Sabine, Gia, and Kyrin. I’ve got to fix that.

The examples are not in order.

-------Nicholas pulled his shirt off to cover his brother below the waist, and then laid a hand on the cold lifeless skin of his brother’s face. The green eyes that were often alight with mischief were now dull and empty. The lips that carried endless smiles and laughter were pale and cracked.

------ “What’s this for?† Nicholas asked as he stroked one of his long fingers against the wrapping paper.

------“It was great…really thoughtful.† He started to consider how he would approach the upcoming kiss. As if to make things easier for him, she stood and turned to face him. Good, sitting side by side would have made things awkward. I should stay seated though, because she’s about a foot shorter. No, a foot and at least a quarter of an inch.

--------She had soft curves and a smooth flat belly; her skin looked blushed from heat. He scowled.

-------The ornate hair bauble looked dull against her tresses. Nothing compared to the rich deeper copper color that cascaded around her head—the color of cool metallic flames.

-------“Do you like it here?† Nicholas prompted, and then took a large bite of his sandwich, planning to keep his mouth as occupied with food as possible to avoid talking. The unrestrained curiosity in her pretty grey eyes, worried him. If she figured out what they were up to, they’d be forced to take direct action.

-----She wanted to touch that perfect skin over all those hard looking muscles. Just to prove that he’s real, that’s all. Her gazed moved up to his neck and settled on a pendant suspended from a black leather cord. It looked strange, just like the tattoos on his back. Then, she met his eyes. They looked a different today. He must have put new contacts in, because the green looked more brilliant than ever. Two peridot, deeper in color than anything she’d ever seen in a jeweler’s display dazzled her.

--------- “Let me help,† he said in his sweet tenor voice that she could not resist. Then he took her hand and led her to the passenger side of the car.

--------She had her hand raised to knock when she heard Tony’s honey smooth voice. There was a tense edge to it.

------- Ellia gazed at him with pleading grey eyes. “Please… take me away from here. You don’t really want give me to him.† She caught his wrist between her delicate hands and her expression changed. “I could yours instead.â€



This is a flat out reminder because the character has been absent for a long time:


----His face appeared haggard but just as lovely. He gazed at her with large eyes of deep aquamarine framed with long brown lashes. His chocolate colored hair had multiple long braids interspersed throughout a mass of short thick curls. When she had seen him last, just months ago, he had looked so young. Now the man looked world-weary as if he hadn’t slept for years.

Hey amarie,

I read the rest of Kings and Queens today. Couldn't resist. I'll keep to the regular rounds with the forum, but can do a overall if you're intersted.

Just let me know.

Rian