Hi Amarie,
You have changed this story so much I’m having a hard time keeping up with it.  I love this book though and I hope my comments help. At times I may come off a little harsh in this review, but please believe it is only in the spirit of helping.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
The opening is mysterious and doesn’t read as YA. It is dark enough to be adult fiction so good job. But it feels as though he just going to a casino or something for a night of gambling. I remember when I read it the first time, I had no idea how these few paragraphs related to the rest of the book until like the last chapter. In fact, as I got into the story I completely forgot about the prologue. That may be how you want it. But I think you should connect it more so that the reader is wondering how the prologue relates throughout the story. So that they are wondering when the connection will come. My suggestion, and this is only a suggestion, is that you mention Maj’s name in the prologue. Maybe at the part where he says: His selection of Queen at the onset had drawn accolades with a champagne toast – instead you could say: His selection of Maj as his queen at the outset…That way the reader is wondering what she has to do with it throughout the story.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
In the prologue and most of the first chapter, you can't really identify the conflict. You know something is going on but you can't really put your finger on it. The real conflict I think is the overheard conversation in the woods. Until then, the reader is not sure if the real conflict is some sort of gambling endeavor from the prologue, some sort of stalker from the conversation with the detective, some sort of angst ridden prank from the thoughts of Warren.

§    Plot – Is it believable?
Yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
Real sense of setting, not sure of the time period though.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Warren seems a bit one sided so far. But you get more into him later.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
*** Just one of many things missing or outta place. You know that. "Huuuhhh. Turned out my little sister had taken it." – This line doesn’t quite work or seem natural. Is she thinking the italics part and then admitting that her sister was the culprit? It seems she would say something more along the lines of: Well, it turns out my sister took that, but the other things are really missing.
*** Your dialogue could be tightened up by taking out much of the added staging. You’re giving us every little detail of her actions and much of it can be left up to the reader. Ex:
Grumbling and not paying attention, she spun right into someone. She stepped back and shivered. Oh gothic lord! Still stewing, her utterance, "What do you want?" flew out, drenched in annoyance. Unable to recall even one instance of speaking to him before now, she wished to retract her words.  – This could be:
Not paying attention, she spun around and walked right into someone.
“What do you want?† she blurted before realizing who she was talking to.
***In the scene where she overhears the plot, I think you should mention that she only heard snippets of their words. Otherwise, the ellipses in the sentences seem a little odd.
***Also, the guys in the woods mention that they have to go do a paintball thing. Didn’t they already do that after the victory?


§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
You switch from mystery boy to Maj to Warren. That’s okay in my book, but others may disagree.

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
You give us so much scenery and stage setting. I would take some of it out in order to make the first chapter move quickly.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
*** She'd get him listen this time. – she’d get him to listen

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
***“I’m way early. Wow. Some of them are too." – I think that can be in italics unless you want him talking to himself out loud in the middle of the night.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
At times, your writing and descriptions are a bit wordy. Ex. Uniformed bodies sprang her out of the dugout into a hopping huddle, pulling her out of her freeze. The scent of earth mixed with cologne-laced sweat, which to her rang of glorious triumph. – but that is just a style thing. What do others think?

For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§    Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate?
Yep

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?
Plenty.

§    Does the story move quickly?
I think there are a lot of added details that can be taken out.

§    Is the tension level high?
Yes

§    Are the protagonists strong?
Yes

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?
Yes


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.
I think the strongest part of this chapter is the overheard conversation in the woods.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better.
*** Black spikes captured Majesty's gaze and made her nose tingle – I don’t think this sentence works as the opening to your chapter because we don’t know where the black spikes are from. At first I thought she was staring at someone’s baseball cleats. Just an idea, but maybe you can say something about his hair reminding her of jagged teeth like you refer to the building in your prologue. That will remind the reader of it and maybe get them thinking that Warren is the young man in the prologue.
***I don’t like the interaction with the detective in this chapter. I think there is enough going on. I can see that you want the reader to see that the police think her a pest, but I think you can do that in a later chapter.
§    How do you think the story could be improved?
Since the title of this book is Kings and Queens and the entire story turns out to be a sick game, I think you can make some parallels to a chess game.

Hi Jedi. Thanks, those are all great suggestions. I'll definitely tighten.

There's conflict between she and the cop because she wants him to check out her street and he's resisting, brushing her off, but I don't know if that's sharp enough. I think the detective element raises some trepidation about her at the onset before she overhears the guys in the woods, or maybe I'm wrong. It mentions her being followed, things missing, the car, etc. Seems a little hair-raising to me. Not just that she's being a pest. I'll have to rethink the black spikes sentence. I like the strangeness of it, that readers don't quite know what that's about until the next paragraph. The black spikes reference pops up in other parts of the story.

I tucked in the "07 world series cap to give the approximate time period. Readers know it's at least after that.

For the prologue, I haven't really changed it much, and I'm not sure I want to show such a blatant connection by placing her name in there. I like that readers have no clue how that ties in. I like that you mentioned making a parallel to chess, but I'm not sure how to do that.  *I just went back in and got a bit more specific without overdoing it. When Derek talks with Dr. Cerrara, and she explains that whole bit about her cohorts, I think it will start to seem connected before the epilogue.

Oh. You're right about the ellipses thing. I had taken out the line about her not hearing everything clearly, wasn't sure if it was necessary. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I fixed it.

Thanks for all your help.

Last edited by amarie (05-06-2008 09:44:34)

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
It was okay, but didn't really grab my attention.  My interest was piqued when I got to the part where Majesty goes over to talk to the detective.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
There seem to be two conflicts:  1) that Majesty thinks someone is driving by her house and wants the cops to check it out and
2) the men she encounters at the end who seem to be planning to kill people

§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
The sports scene had some nice  details.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Majesty seems believable

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
I thought you did a good job on the dialog

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
Yes, the POV switches were smooth and well indicated

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
Pretty good combination of both

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
I think you might have used a few too many ellipsis.  Might want to take out a few.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
Easy to read, not preachy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no

§    Is there enough action?
yes

§    Does the story move quickly?
yes

§    Is the tension level high?
yes

§    Are the protagonists strong?
yes

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?
yes

§    What you liked most and what worked well.
Majesty seems like she is going to be a fun character to read about.  There should be plenty of action to come, also, which I think will make an interesting read.


§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better.
I thought it was odd that Detective Jennings was standing up but put his Coke on the ground.  It's probably just me, but I don't usually see people do that because either bugs would crawl in or somebody would walk by and spill it.    Most people standing up at ball games just hold their cans.

§    How do you think the story could be improved?
I was wondering if the prologue would go better worked into a later chapter. 

Nice first chapter.

The opening lines confuse me. Why? Well, as poetry, they work. But as prose,
they offer too much ambiguity. Let me explain that.

Black spikes captured M's gaze -- is that because she's looking over a fence or is she in a prison? I'm not sure.

and made her nose tingle. --are they literally touching her nose or is she allergic to something?

Next sentence is complex so I'll break it up.

Even the exploding fanfare -- is this hyperbole or is there really an explosion?

stuffed bears surging from the stands -- are we in a cartoon? are stuffed bears leaping up in the seats of a ball game stadium?

to honor Mikey's three-run walk-off homer --Mikey's a baseball player (but is he a human? or a stuffed bear? )

couldn't break the 17 yr old's deadlock on Warren Niles. --so Mikey's 17 and he's beating  Warren Niles. If he's 17, then he must be human.

If you simply opened with Majesty looking through a fence at a game in progress where fans are cheering Mikey's 3rd home run, I'd understand without any confusion what's happening.

The oddity of him (wrong pronoun -- should be 'his') being there glaring from behind the fence near third like he wished calamity on them all, kept her transfixed. Majesty is transfixed (why not just 'Majesty stared at Mikey in wonder, expecting the worst to happen)

The sentence structure is convoluted, which means you often choose the most complicated way of telling something that could be expressed more directly. If you do this enough, the reader is left totally confused. Certain writers in the 19th century made a habit of this and critics called them 'obscure' writers. In the pursuit of elegance, they abandoned simplicity and directness.

The final sentence in the first paragraph carries this to an extreme.
As though nature had caught wind of asperity, shifting clouds wiped sunlight off her arms and buried the surrounding frenzy in shadow.
I would expect a sentence like this in poetry, not in prose. What exactly does ' nature caught wind of asperity' mean? I have no idea. I, as a reader, want some clarity in what I'm reading. You, the author, are supposed to supply that. If you don't, I will stop following the story.

I could go on, but life is too short. You have to figure the rest of it out yourself. Keep it simple is my motto, even if you write poetry. Otherwise you'll be labelled as obscure.
Nadine

See, now that's a total surprise to me. I had no idea. What about that asperity sentence? What does that one mean? How would Hemingway say it?

Oh, so the meaning is that the clouds are shifting, putting the character into shade, because nature has picked up someone's bitterness. I wonder if there is a way of describing that so it can be easily understood without calling in interpreters. Whose virulence or bitterness are we talking about? Majesty's?

Your description here sounds like some screenplay directions. Imagery for the camera. Your liking it is fine but does that take into account what the reader experiences? I am reminded of some of my own descriptions that I liked but did not result in the same response from readers so I rewrote them and even moved chapters around. There's a saying: kill your darlings which means basically you may have to revise your work to make sense to your readers. I'm not trying to persuade you. If you prefer to keep things the way they are, it is your choice. You're the author.

Thanks for your help.

Hi, Nadine.

Hope you had fun in Boston. I love going there. Thanks for those pointers. Great stuff.

Some upscale homes have double glass doors to the exterior, when it leads to a terrace, patio or a deck. My friend's parents have these off their bedroom. If not French doors, then what are these doors called? I assumed they were French doors but maybe they have a different name if they're exterior doors. I also thought readers would know she's knocking on the wooden frame and not a glass pane. haha. I'll be more specific.

...held some "tell" that would expose her. this is a gambling expression.

I have some more regular, everyday conversation in following chapters.

I'm not sure what's confusing about fighting the urge to look every which way, but I'll definitely trim this out. Thanks for pointing out that her paranoia is too overdrawn. I'm trying to maintain tension for the reader, but it instead seems to be making her appear crazy. I want her to seem freaked out, as I would be if I thought killers were looking for me, but I want her to be likable too. I already put a blurb in her conversation with Derek, that says she feels like danger is following her and that's why she's been so nutty.

Derek is often flip with people. He regularly calls people derogatory names, which the other characters kind of assume are terms of endearment, but he's really putting distance between himself and his friends. Also, if he calls people idiots or morons, he believes it in the moment. That's why he calls Majesty a sap and crazy and scoffs at her press comment. I wanted to show a hint of that in even this first scene.

Warren's scenes are more elaborate intentionally. His tone is darker. He's intense and I want his POV to have a gothic feel to go along with his character. Gothic lit and vampire lit tend to use exaggerated vocabulary and prose.

Thanks for taking the time to read and offer your take.

~Amarie

Last edited by amarie (05-08-2008 16:12:36)

Thanks. Brass knocker made me laugh out loud. If Derek's home, she knows she'll find him in his bedroom.  That's why she goes straight to the door off his bedroom rather than to the front.

Last edited by amarie (05-08-2008 16:16:51)

§    Opening  - The Prologue makes me wonder just what kind of a game-that-isn’t-a-game  is going on.  Liked the line re the geometric crown.  It parallels what is to come in the book. 

Looked at the reviewed posted and noted that I have pretty much the same problem as some reviewers. I wasn’t sure what the black spikes were and why they’d make her nose tingle.  Feel when you mentioned the stuffed bears in the second line, you could indicate that these are mascots.  Then I had to read the next line to realize that she was staring at Warren.  Somehow didn’t read …homer couldn’t break the seventeen-year-olds-deadlock on Warren Niles...to mean that she was staring at him, because there’s too much going on in that sentence.

I noted that you said that some genres are given to a bit more than clear prose, but I think it’s absolutely necessary – particularly as this is a thriller – to engage your reader right away.  Think this can be achieved by letting the reader know immediately how weird these spikes are, but by cluing the reader in to exactly what they are.   Nowhere in that first para does it say that they are hairs gelled to within an inch of their life.  I get to that in the second para. when I’m already wondering what’s going on from the first para.

Same thing with …..caught wind of asperity…I’d sugg. something like…as though nature had caught wind of something sorely/greatly amiss

Shifting clouds wiped sunlight off her arms…this made me wonder if the sunlight wouldn’t be missing from all her body parts if there was cloud cover.  ‘Course I might be taking things too literal here. 


§    Conflict –  Maj. Feels something’s not right, that she’s being watched for whatever reason, then she happens upon a plan she shouldn’t have heard  and have people who’ll now be looking for her.

§    Plot – It’s believable in today’s world.  There are so many groups out there who think others are against them and have grudges – real and imagined – that they want to do something about. Something that usually hurts other people.

§    Setting – This worked for me.  Knew she was at the game and then in the forest, but again the author’s voice intruded and got me confused in some parts eg. Crows cawed, communicating eerie discourse across vastness.  The last word could be replaced so as to simplify the sentence.

§    Characterization –  Maj definitely has her own distinct character.  She pesters the policeman – she’s got stick-to-it-iveness.  She’s efficient – she goes to her office to complete her duties as team manager – and she has some smarts on her.  She manages to elude the boys chasing her. 

§    Dialogue – The first bit with the policeman does the job of showing her persistence, lets me know that she’s had several issues and underlines the fact that he’s fed up of dealing with her, so I’d say that’s effective.

The bits between the two boys gave me just enough to tell me that they’re up to no good.


§    Point of view – I think throwing Warren’s viewpoint in there works.  I get that he’s a loner and a malcontent because of how he’s treated.

§    Show vs. Tell –  You did a good job of taking the reader through what happens to Maj. 

§    Grammar & Spelling – No problems here.

§    Style/Tone –  No preachiness, but in some parts the writing is convoluted, which distracted me from the story.  Think in some instances word choices could be better eg.  Soon, he’d amass the respect he deserve..think gain or garner would work better…to me amass brings to mind gathering stuff

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose? – There are places where there’s a bit of wordiness.  Dunno where to stick this, so here goes - Maj 'huffs' 2-3 times in the chapter.  It's not all that common, so it stood out.  Have a look-see.


For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?  Yes

§    Does the story move quickly?  It’s intended to work that way, but the language bogs it down.

§    Is the tension level high? -  It high in the half where she’s being chased, but I don’t have a problem with a gradual build-up.  That’s as it’s supposed to be.

§    Are the protagonists strong? – Maj is remarkable and so is Warren.  We know he’s up to no good and that she makes a worthy opponent when she manages to elude the boys chasing her.

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? – Yes.  Some of your descriptions of nature help to enhance this.


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-

§    What you liked most and what worked well. – Maj is feisty, I like that.  We got a bit of a chase.  That worked for me too.  I liked that you worked to make nature complement Maj’s emotions and what's happening around her.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better.  – The language is my main problem. As I was told recently by an old writer, in recent decades, the rules changed.  People are encouraged to write in a simple and straightforward way and I'm struggling everyday to simplify. 

I’m not sure which market this is geared at, however, if it’s going to be read by young adults, my guts tell me that the language should be simpler. 

§    How do you think the story could be improved? – Be ruthless.  As some unnamed writer said, ‘kill your darlings’.  Kill any phrase or sequence of words that you doubt or that you think are clever.

We have all read and critiqued this as writers, but I’d suggest you also get someone – not a writer – who reads this sort of stuff, to give you feedback as to how the chapter reads. 

I like the premise of the story, it's an intriguing one, I know through reading it already, but I think if you're going to sell this, it needs to be put down so the reader doesn't stumble or stop to wonder if he knows what's going on.  Hope this helps.

Gonna have another look at it.  Glad it helps.