I definitely connect with Delia, not because I'm like her but I empathize with her. I want to shake her up. They're believable, but a little bit one-sided. The villain is all bad and Donna is too aggressive. Delia should exhibit some signs of adult behavior. Maybe she could handle the finances or apply her knowledge of physics to real-life situations. This chapter plunges the reader right into the main problem. No beating around the bush. I wrote a separate review. Just posted it. Nadine

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?

Yes. I'm immediately appalled at the reference to the couch and pushed to read on. It's kinda like a sucker punch. You might want to describe in the next few paragraphs her nervousness more. I know if I'm nervous I can't sit still and have to occupy my hands. So making her pace, or fiddle with something might be more believable. Still, I am drawn in.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?

Oh definitely! Good job on showing us exactly what's going on there.

§    Plot – Is it believable?

My only one nit here, is that it's all so insane. Even though it's obvious Jason is a jerk and self-centered, I can't imagine he'd bring a woman he was cheating with right into their own home to live there. I could see Delia catching them cheating together... Then again, maybe the insanity of this situation just showcases how cowed Delia really is and how much she'd accept. Though I think her putting up more of a fight before being talked into it seems more realistic.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?

We know she's in an apartment and it's obviously modern. I don't think this really applies further than that yet, though. We're more interested in the characters.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.

I identify with Delia's inner battle. She is absolutely focused on Jason and her entire world revolves around him. It's a very sad testiment to her low self-esteem. I'm still left wanting her to more well-rounded though, thinking about something outside of Jason. Not necessarily something that has to happen in this first chapter though, because her entire focus here is on Jason getting home so she can either leave him or stay with him.

I think Donna Lee is believable. She's aggressive, but honestly, I know a LOT of women like that. It sounds like she's let Delia try to work this out for herself for a long time and basically can't stand to let her do it anymore. Her obvious love for Delia shows there. Though I can imagine her being a little less outright rude to Jason and being civil and polite with a sarcastic edge.

Jason is absolutely self-centered. He obviously realizes he has Delia cowed into believing and dong whatever he wants. It's almost as if he believes what he's doing isn't completely wrong. People are amazing for convincing themselves that way. His complete disregard for Delia though in bringing Gina there is just the slightest bit over believable. He must love her somewhat to have married her. Men love to sleep with women, granted, but no man is going to marry a woman just to sleep with her. Jason might have considered her a good catch to marry and have children with, while he finds other women to satisfy his sexual needs--it just seems more that he'd try to keep it from her to keep from hurting her.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?

I don't think it needs less and I can't imagine it needing more.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?

It starts from Delia's POV and continues that way, so I think yes.

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 

At certain points, you tell us what the characters are doing versus showing us.

Here: Donna Lee stared at Jason with a glare that could've melted his face.

Donna Lee is obviously pissed. You could show her body language, have her pacing, folding her arms, maybe even jabbing her finger at Jason. Anything to show us just how mad she is.

This is the hardest thing for me to do. I'm working really hard to do more telling in my writing. I think the best thing to do would just be to comb through it and see if you find parts where it could be expanded, where we need more description to show us what the characters are feeling through their actions.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.

I didn't catch any glaring ones, but I'm not very good at this. I tend to get caught up in the story and look for the characterization and impressions--unless there's obvious spelling errors.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?

The style is very easy to read and get into. I really think that tone you're going for (if I'm right!) is shown here. There's nothing preachy about it. You're just flat telling us what's going on.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?

Nope!


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-

§    What you liked most and what worked well.

I think you did a really excellent job on showcasing Delia's low self-esteem and why women stay with men who treat them like dirt. But not only did you show us, you also made us understand and feel for her.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better.

Again, I just feel the situation needs to be a little more believable.

§    Is there anything you would add/take out?

I'd just like to see more description on the characters actions, maybe more on Delia's thoughts.

§    How do you think the story could be improved?

I think this is kinda like the question above on what could be done better...

§    What do you think is needed (if anything) to make the writing sparkle?

The writing style itself works just fine, I think. I really think you just need to expand more on the characters actions and help us to really believe that Jason would bring a woman into his own home like that and force his wife to just accept it.

Great Job, great hook throughout to make me want to read the whole book!
(I'm so sorry that I'm a day late in posting this, but I was away from the computer most of the weekend.)

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Yes.  It makes me want to see why she's so nervous, what's about to happen, and it lets us know that her husband is a cheat.  I thought it was a great opener

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
I think the biggest conflict in this chapter is Delia's internal conflict over deciding whether to stay with that SOB or find the courage to leave, and I think that was shown very well.  I think most people can identify with this, as most people have had a cheating boyfriend or spouse at some time, and have struggled with the 'should I leave or should I go' question.

§    Plot – Is it believable?
Yes.  I can definitely feel for Delia,  when Jason brought home the other woman and just expected Delia to accept it.  I found it to be believable, and very interesting (Though I’m SO happy that never happened to me!), and you really do hear about situations like this happening. 

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
Yes.  You did a great job of working in the couch that she'd caught him cheating on the their usually unshared bed.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Great Characterization!  I'm feeling for Delia, have a visual picture of her, and I want to go help Donna Lee drag her out of that house.  Donna Lee is going to be a great supporting character, full of all the confidence that Delia lacks.  Jason is an ass, pure and simple, though if he looks like Johnny Depp, he's a great looking SOB, which is probably one of the reasons Delia is smitten with him.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Dialog had a smooth flow and worked nicely.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
Yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
No problem there, as I thought you used the perfect combination of both.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
I only found  3 nits, and they were comma errors:
*She was a senior in college and had never even been on a date(,) being too busy trying to finish her math, computer science, and physics triple major.
** That morning Donna Lee came over and helped her pack her bags(,) trying to convince her to leave immediately.
*** you flat-chested, bird-brained[,] bitch
I think that last comma should be left out

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
Easy to read, well-written prose

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
No

§    Is there enough action?
Yes
§    Does the story move quickly?
yes
§    Is the tension level high?
yes
§    Are the protagonists strong?
Yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?
Yes

§    What you liked most and what worked well.
This is a fresh new twist on the cheating husband angle, which I liked.  I loved the way you worked in the descriptions of the characters, and I'm so glad Delia has a sister to look out for her.

§    Is there anything you would add/take out?
No

§    How do you think the story could be improved?
I want to hear how Jason had planned to talk Delia into the threesome situation, but I'll bet you're going to have that in one of the next few chapters.  I just bet that is going to be some speech! 

§    What do you think is needed (if anything) to make the writing sparkle?
I think it sparkles pretty well right now.  I'm looking forward to reading the rest!

chapter two  School Age

opening: first par: confusing, so delete the whole thing. Second Paragraph is better.
Donna is a good friend but overpowering. She should ask a few "feeling" questions before jumping in with her advice. Delia is depressed and needs better advice than "go on a cruise, etc."

conflict: can you identify what it is? Yes. Delia is depressed, in a post-break-up slump, has no confidence in herself and probably needs some vitamins. Her struggle to assert herself with others is a losing battle. Even her friend Donna doesn't encourage herself to assert herself. She suggests a quick fix, which won't really help Delia in the long run. Delia should be more angry, more frustrated than you let her be. Why not let her vary her reactions? What about her family? Does she have one? Any other friends giving contrary advice than Donna's? If you rev up the conflict, give Delia more options than just "go on a cruise, get a new boyfriend" there might be some hope she won't repeat all her past mistakes. If she was a friend of mine, I'd say, take some time off, be good to yourself, don't be so dependent on others.

Plot: is it believable? Ch. one starts off with a break-up, a show-down, so chapter two must be less intense. Delia seems like a loser at first, so she has to figure out how to change. She needs major changes so a lot of Delia POV thoughts about this should happen to carry the story forward. Does she want to change? Does she realize what mistakes she makes in relationships, particularly be allowing everyone to manipulate her? She's a player in this by letting others do it. (It's her choice, not just an accident.) Donna (IMO) isn't the best advisor for her. Donna believes in quick fixes. Author needs to help Delia find a better solution than a quick fix. She needs a wise person otherwise Delia will repeat her past mistakes. The story so far is believable because characters like this are hard to cure.

setting: could be better. Needs some natural surroundings, wildlife, flora, something we can see besides just the characters. Actually, I don't see the characters too clearly. While on the deck of the Golden Swan staring out into the sea enjoying the warm summer breeze drifting from the coast of Barbados, they don't notice the stars or lean over the rails to look at the sea? That's a good place to add some 'cosmos' details.

characterization: they are stagey rather than real people. Delia is too submissive, pitiful while Donna is the polar opposite. Chase seems like a playboy and I'd like her next guy to be more suitable for Delia, maybe even a counseling type. Someone capable of caring about her rather than just another user. If Delia doesn't undergo a drastic change, the story is going to keep repeating her mistakes until she's a rag doll in a heap on the floor.

dialogue: Donna does all the talking. Delia is a speechless mouse. �  "You're eyes are beautiful," he blurted. (Your eyes) Now why would that be a good opener for Delia? Why 'blurted'? He sounds awkward. Delia's response to this overture is out of character. All of a sudden she's got some chutzpah. I wasn't prepared for that. His story about taking a cruise with grandma every year since he was eleven is surprising. How many guys can say that? So she has no biological family. That's another shocker. Did she fall from Heaven?

"Yeah, sure, do you want to do breakfast?" (this is a response to his question about seeing her again) She could have said something like, "I'd love to see you again" or "Sounds like fun, let's spend the day together." Her response here is so casual, so bored sounding. The kissing paragraph, where he kicks an invisible stone and asks for a kiss, needs some life injected into it. Surprise us. Let the scene show what the characters are all about. We know Delia is a wreck, but we don't know exactly what he is. This scene should show what their real feelings are.
POV:  should focus primarily on Delia but doesn't. Wanders all over the place. His POV injects itself on an irregular basis. Stick to Delia's perspective. This isn't experimental fiction where the rules are suspended.
Show vs. tell: The kissing scene is tell. So is the door scene, where his heart nearly stops. That could be all dialogue. The long hand massaging scene is too much telling. The bottle caps scene is interesting because it shows how much he is drinking and what powers of concentration he has to keep balancing caps. I would keep that telling. She blended into non-existence (hyperbole?) and seemed like a crew member? Don't they wear uniforms?
The longer she moped the more she failed. This telling is obvious but makes me wonder why her roomies don't get her out in the fresh air.

grammar, spelling: I couldn't find any nits there except for 'you're'/ your.

Style,tone: It's casual, easy to read but doesn't satisfy because it avoids dealing with the real problems of the main character. I feel as though she's going to have a trainwreck.

purple prose:  I didn't notice any.


Nadine

Last edited by brosna11 (05-10-2008 08:58:19)

Hi all,

I wasn't sure if I should've started a new thread or not. But I figured it would be easier to find all the reviews if I kept everything in the same thread. Anyway, for chapters 2-4, I really need to know what you think about the POV. This was my nano project and I really didn't get into technical things. I was just trying to get it written. So, I ended up changing POV a lot. Anyway, should I write the entire thing from Delia's POV or should I change POV's only at chapter breaks? I know romance novels are usually written  from the woman's POV, but at several times I need to show what Chase is thinking.
Thanks in advance.

JediP

http://thenextbigwriter.com/library/ind … read/17397

Last edited by jediprincess (05-11-2008 12:41:07)

You can switch POV scene to scene or chapter to chapter, depending on how you want the story to unfold. In romances it's very common to have both the perspective of the heroine and the hero. And I like that your story presents both, as both perspectives are interesting and important. Maybe for those moments when you want to show what he's thinking, you can show his take after the fact. He can be kicking himself or whatever. Use that summary piece as a bridge. Or say they're eating dinner together, you can do part of it his perspective, part in hers. If you want to change POV's within a scene, at least provide a paragraph break between. I have seen many writers lump them together, which causes a great deal of confusion.

If you do want to show both POVs, set an early precedent: limited POV in scenes they don't share, joint POV in scenes they do, I think it can work. But have this be consistent every time, show some structure. That might be fun.

Last edited by amarie (05-11-2008 18:23:21)

§    Opening 
Delia’s life took a completely new route…I’m thinking this is not strictly true.  She doesn’t really ‘do’ anything.    She is forced to go on a cruise and before that she’s lying around doing nothing. 

The opening in the second chapter is lively with Donna Lee being disgusting and full of curiosity about Delia’s exploits. 

The opening of chapter 4 reinforces for me his youthfulness (having read it before) and spontaneity – singing, dipping her as they dance, etc.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is? I think she has deep self-esteem problems that need sorting out, because she’s thinking about ‘finding the good in herself’.  She’s also trying not to give in to her attraction for Chase.  He also has some conflict.  He doesn’t want a relationship, but he’s attracted to her.

§    Plot – It’s easy enough to believe that he’d prove a very attractive prospect on a boat filled with old people.   Also, that he’d want to try to not get in too deep, considering he’s hiding something.

§    Setting – I think you could give a bit more visuals on the bar (Chap. 2) and on their general surroundings.  Think you could do more here, for instance in chapter 4, is the pool indoors, if it’s outdoor, is it sunny, etc?

§    Characterization – As at Chapter 2, I still want to strangle Delia.  She’s coming across as really cute and really dizzy right now.   She acts out of character when she tells him she’s not wearing undies and then is embarrassed.  That works for me, considering the type of person she is.  Unfortunately, it’s all too possible to be mid to late twenties and not have a sense of self. 

§    Dialogue – There isn’t any deep stuff in Chapter 2, but that’s expected.  They’re feeing their way around each other so things are going to be awkward.   Didn’t see any problems there. 

Chapter 4 – the end of that conversation was funny with Delia trying to ignore the fact that Jason had been around a lot.  Donna Lee browbeats Delia again as they talk about her marriage and sex life or lack of it.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
You had switches, but they were consistent within each section.  I saw one instance that might have had a tiny shift, but it’s noted elsewhere.


§    Show vs. Tell –  Some of the stuff is narrative, but I expect that.  These are Delia’s thoughts and I wouldn’t expect her to tell him the more painful parts of her marriage – though she does tell him a lot.

§    Grammar & Spelling –
Chapter 2
~~~Donna Lee said one evening [as] (sugg.. after)  she came home from work
~~~Delia couldn’t thing of a single relationship…ever had that last(ed) longer than two month(s)
~~~She covered her face to hide the tears that developed…suggest another work, other than developed here.
~~~She shouldn’t have to worry…sugg. wouldn’t
~~~He was the only other passenger that seemed…sugg who seemed
~~~Chase knew what he was nodding toward…sugg who
~~~ran his fingers through his short, curly hair…you’ve told us his hair is short already from Delia’s observations.
~~~He had to take a chance at some point with her.  (Don’t think you need ‘with her’ since we’re already aware that he’s talking about her.)
~~~Then she laughed the most enchanting, delicate, feminine, beautiful laugh…think you could lose feminine – I assumed that.
~~~She took the picture out of his hand and studied it [more] closely
~~~And Chase was always hesitant about talking about himself (two abouts – is this he POV here?)
~~~he entwine his fingers in hers (sugg with)


Chapter 3
~~~To this day, she has no idea…You’ve slipped into the present tense here.  I wouldn’t mind it if there were other scenes where we got into her thoughts, here it jars (for me, at least)
~~~She tossed her hair…and got prepared to hear the juicy details (sugg…prepared to hear)
~~~…even though there was a perfectly good fork…(sugg there was a fork since it’s a restaurant and we expect it to be perfectly good)
~~~After you have her thinking about changing jobs and you say…Maybe it would give her life some purpose and direction…Sugg. you have a transitional line in between that sentence and the one that starts…It didn’t take her long to find work.
~~~Four people…was getting to be a little much…think you could do this differently ...unbearable? too much to bear? Intolerable?
~~~That is something she would never….Sugg…That was something

Chapter 4
~~~Then someone sat at the piano and started adding accompaniment (think you could reword and leave out the started.  It’s stronger to say they added to his singing)
~~~Delia’s situation got his mind off of his own selfish problems.  (I know ‘off of’ might be accepted in speech, but it jars every time I see it written.  ‘Off’ is sufficient in narrative.
~~~Delia was [completely] self-conscious of her body.
~~~Jason could take off his shirt and women would faint (not believable for me, but I suppose this is Delia speaking)
~~~I so embarrassed (I’m)
~~~He had to be discreet.  He had to use discretion.  (sugg using another word in one instance – discreet/discretion)
~~~They stumbled around the corridor – I thought this was funny, but it also implies that their actions were hot and heavy
~~~Donna Lee asked as she licked duck sauce…with a disgusting slurp sound  (Think this could be left as ‘with a disgusting slurp’


§    Style/Tone – Didn’t have a difficulty reading at all.

§    Purple prose – No


For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?  Don’t expect much at Chap 2 because, we still have two people feeling their way around each other.

§    Does the story move quickly? - Well things do happen quickly once she goes on the cruise.  They find each other and make a date for the following morning.

§    Is the tension level high? – No, but that’s okay. I don’t expect a lot based on the story as it is now.

§    Are the protagonists strong?  You know I still want to slap Delia and Chase comes across as  kind of wishy-washy.  He can’t decide whether he wants to pursue her or not and at the end of chapter 3 decides to throw caution to the wind. 

His thoughts about not going forward with her are intriguing and I think you’ve written their exchanges well, since when he turns up in her class,  it explains why he says awkward sounding things to her – afterall, he’s not a full-grown man.

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? Not really.   But I’m not sure it’s necessary.  This does not seem like a page-turning grab-you-by-the-throat story, so I don’t expect high drama.


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-

§    What you liked most and what worked well.  I hate tell you, but Donna Lee still overshadows Delia.  I want to root for Delia, but  her insecurity and holding on to thoughts of Jason make me want to strangle her, I understand that her thought patterns have been established for a long time, so it’s hard for her to think any other way

The awkward exchanges between Delia and Chase make them both endearing, but I also wonder if both of them know what they want. I also like that she’s admitting to herself that she likes what she sees of Chase. This is an indication that she’ll be ready to move on at some point.   

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better.

I think she could have been stronger.  Coming out of a bad experience, it’s natural to be closed off from others, but then she goes all out with Chase.  Also, shouldn’t she wonder why he’s not telling her anything about himself?

I think you’ve done a great job capturing Chase’s personality.  When I meet him again, it’s not a surprise that he’s a student.  In his rave raving about an older time and place, I feel the enthusiasm of a youngster.

§    How do you think the story could be improved?

I don’t want to beat you over the head with it, but I’m not connecting with Delia.  I don’t feel involved enough with her or that I care what happens to her.  I just want to slap her.   

I’m wondering if Jason’s cheating had come as a revelation to her whether I’d feel any differently about her.   But she puts up with that and I’ve got the mindset that she’s allowed herself to become a floor mat for a long time and who respects a floor mat?

I do know she’s trying to move forward and that she’s thinking of teaching…At the end of chapter 4 you write…Delia took a deep breath and decided that it was all behind her. She was starting her new life.

I realize I’m being hard on Delia, but this is how I feel about her.  If you wrote a story about Donna Lee and had Delia's problem on the periphery of it, her charater wouldn't bug me so much.  At centre stage, she's not as compelling.  Hope I've helped in some way, other than to gripe at Delia.

Chapter four School Age:

opening is realistic, surprising with Donna's bad table manners. Kind of funny, actually.

Conflict is great--Delia tries to straighten Donna out and then she makes some career progress. She's working on herself. That's good. I'm relieved.

Plot so far is believable, even hopeful. I don't know where it's going but at least it's moving ahead.

Setting could use a bit more description. You describe the characters, but not much about the environment so I have trouble seeing it in my mind. Any mirrors on the wall? Plants or animals around? Rugs? Windows? When she applies for the job, you skip over all the details of that (getting references, sending in the paperwork, having an interview) so we get no sense of what goes on in that area. it's a technicality, but one of those things where you can reveal more about Delia's hidden assets (her intelligence).

Characterization: More development wouldn't hurt. We now see Donna as rather rude while eating, besides being bossy. Delia is coming out a bit, being more adult, accepting her fate. I don't feel like slapping her at all. I might want to shake her up a little though.

Dialogue is OK. Some of it is actually funny and you could do more of that. I like them to mock each other. It seems sisterly.

POV seemed fine to me.

There's some telling when showing would be better, as when she applies for teaching. That is over fast.

Style, tone is light and fun. Nothing tedious or unlikely.

Spelling, grammar seems good to me.

No purple prose.

I'm not sure what the theme of this is. It would be good if you had a strong theme of some sort. (Woman deals with low self-esteem in spite of difficulties?)

It's oddly comical in this chapter, which it wasn't in the earlier ones. Is this on purpose or did it just come out that way?

Nadine

Whether you should introduce the family history earlier:

It wouldn't hurt. Since it sheds some light on her poor self-concept, feeling like a baby in a dumpster, it gains her some empathy from the reader. Otherwise, we just wonder what's her problem. We all wonder when we read stories in the newspaper about babies found in dumpsters the first few days of life (never mind 4 months) and what could possibly become of them after such an event. Here's a case history and the more you bring it up, even if it's only Donna saying "Just because you came from a dumpster..." Her origins sort of define her. Take Dickens' characters, most of them orphans, who go through one awful experience after another but eventually come out alright.

Nadine

Thanks everyone. I love the suggestions. This is what I will work on in the next few days...
1. creating more empathy for Delia...I want her to be liked, not just annoyingly pathetic. I think I will mention about her being abandoned as a baby in the first chapter.
2. more scenery and descriptions. What are they eating on the cruise? What does the ship look like? What does Donna Lee's apartment look like? What's going on around them?
3. Per Amarie's suggestion...I want to add a scene on the cruise where Delia is getting more confidence and she actually goes shopping for the little black dress.
4. Fewer POV shifts and clearer definitions of the ones I do have.

Thanks again. You guys are awesome.

JediP

Checklist

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?

Ch 2. They do. They remind me of the craziness of the first chapter and pull me back into the story.
ch 3. With Chase suddening busting into song, definitely.
Ch 4. Donna Lee jerks us in. She's good at that.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?

Ch 2. Delia is conflicted with herself. She's trying to get over Jason and get on with her life, but it's hard because she was/is in love with him and her identity is tied in with him.
Ch 3. I'd like to see more of Delia's conflict with just letting herself go, versus holding herself back from Chase. This is a woman who just got hurt and has been hurt for years. You've got a great conflict to play with there.
Ch 4.

§    Plot – Is it believable?

ch 2. Yep!
ch 3. So far!
ch 4. Yes.


§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?

ch2. Sorta. You might try describing the ship more, maybe have her looking out over the ocean. Describe the bar more from Chase's eyes. I can get a sense of it, but more description would be cool.
ch 3. Still the cruise. Maybe describe the pool. How big is it?
ch. 4. Yes. The Chinese restaurant. Leaving it at that, we can imagine what it looks like by all the ones we've been to. Or you could describe what's on the walls, paper lanterns?


§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.

I'm feeling Delia. And I'm getting a sense of Chase; I think he seems both typical and atypical of his age, which makes him interesting. I'd like more conflict from Delia and a little more of Chase's POV, unless you're doing that deliberately to make him seem mysterious. Which is good too.

I like Donna Lee for her spunk, but she's a little over the top at times. You might want to reign her in a little and round her out more. She's like a fat redneck man with, well, no fat redneck physique.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?

Ch 2. I think it's good.

Ch 3. I'd like the scene in the club drawn out more with dialogue to show us the conflicting emotions.
ch 4. Very amusing between Delia and Donna Lee.


§    Point of view – Is it consistent?

ch 2. Yep!
Ch 3. In the singing scene, you switch between Delia and Chase and it's confusing to me. I had to re-read to see where it started from. I think you should leave it with Delia so that we can see her viewing Chase and her reactions to his quickly changing personality.

Same with the pool scene. Keep it from Delia's POV. Draw it out. What is she feeling like? Is she breathless? Is there an attraction stronger than before? Is her body touching his? I'm seeing a good friendship here, but not a romance.

Ch 4. A little switching between Donna Lee and Delia. You can show Donna Lee's view through her comments and her gestures and face instead of giving her thoughts.


§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?

Ch 2. We have a lot of telling here. You're rushing us through to get to Chase, but I think it'd be funny to see a scene with one of the old men hitting on her played out. It would be amusing (and lord knows Delia needs some laughter) and we'd get more Delia.

Ch 3. This is too much tell: Chase knew she referred to their different races, but what struck him more was that fact that she thought they were in a relationship. He had already let it go too far. His demeanor suddenly changed. He went from the free spirited love sick fool singing in the middle of a restaurant to an uptight, stand-offish, typical male who was afraid to commit.

Describe it. What does his face look like? Does he sit up straighter, turn his chin away? Do his eyes close off? Is Delia suddenly getting the sense that he's remote?

Ch 4. This is more show. It's coming from two characters talking. A bit of telling with Delia finding a job instead of drawing a few scenes out with that. A scene with her feelings on changing careers, hunting a job, maybe even giving her a job interview.


§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.

ch2. I can't find any.

ch 3. "No, it's okay. I don't know what came over me. I['m] so embarrassed." She turned and dashed out of the nightclub.

ch 4. To this day, she has[tense change; had] no idea who her biological parents are or even what their race is.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?

Ch 2.The style is easy to read. You're keeping the tone and writing from the first chapter and there's definitely no preaching.

ch 3. He gasped and his eyes bulged when he got a full view of her body. She was simply breath taking.

Very generic statement here. Also takes us out of Delia's POV. I would like to see her body from Chase's POV though. What does it look like to him? There's so much to a body to use for description.


§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?

Nope. No dangerous purple prose! Though this comes close: Delia kept rattling on about his penetrating blue eyes with the long dark lashes, his luscious hair, his movie star smile.


For Romantic Suspense

§    Does the story move quickly?

Ch 2. Strangely, with your intent to move it along by giving us quick blurbs, that seems to slow it down. I want examples to read.
ch 3. Moves faster than ch 2, but I'd like more on Chase and Delia.
ch 4. A must! We have to have the dissection between women. But again, the telling about what Delia's been doing instead of giving us scenes slows it down.


§    Is the tension level high?

Ch2. Tension in this chapter would be the attraction. I want to see more. Draw the kiss out, describe it. Show us how it feels for Delia to be kissed for the first time in a long time by someone other than Jason. By someone who's a total opposite.
ch 3. More attraction drawn out too.
ch 4 Definitely. How can there not be with Donna Lee in the house?


§    Are the protagonists strong?

So far, I get a good read of Chase but I'd either like more or if you're intent is to have him remain more of a mystery, show us that in their interactions instead of having Delia telling us.

Donna Lee again, definitely strong.

Delia needs more about her conflicted feelings. I feel like she just jumped in and wasn't really conflicted much. Which seems contrary to how she has been and is in ch 1.

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?

Ch 2. A little bit with the new romance.
ch 3. MOre here with the attraction.
ch 4. Donna Lee makes the scene dramatic for certain.


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-

§    What you liked most and what worked well.

Ch 2. I enjoyed the introduction between Chase and Delia as it began. Chase's line about 'breaking a hip to fit in' had me laughing.

ch 2. I liked this line "His hands continuously moved over and caressed hers as if he was a blind man trying to memorize the outline of her fingers and palms."

ch 3. I liked the scenes between Chase and Delia, I just want more. I'm greedy that way.

ch 4. Donna Lee cracks me up, but I'd have to kill her if she were my sister.


§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better.

I almost feel like this is a repeat of the question below. so I'll put everything there since it's not a matter of disliking anything.

§    How do you think the story could be improved?

Ch 2. I want to know why Delia has such a low self-esteem. Obviously Donna Lee has always been her champion. What about her parents? Were they loving? Hard on her? Was being adopted hard on her? Why did she feel like her adoptive parents didn't want her? Did she get made fun of at school?

Ch2. I want more between Chase and Delia. I'm not really seeing the attraction she had to him earlier. I think it rushes it a bit to have her already tell him about being cheated on. I can't imagine a woman wants to let something so humiliating out to a strange. Maybe have her play a little harder to get, but not in a coy sense.

Ch 3. More between Chase and Delia.

Ch 4. Oh man. You missed out on a great sex scene opportunity. In romance, it can be or cannot be important. You can tell a lot or a little. But it would show the lust better. And show us more than tell us what Delia does to get a new job. How she feels about it, how long it took her. Was she just jumping right in, or more hesitant? It seems like she's more hesistant from what you've shown us.


You've got a good thing going here. You just need to flesh it out a little more. I like that Delia's discovering herself. I think it's a great twist to have Chase too young for her.

Hi all,
I've revised my first four chapters. I know I still need more scenery so I'll work on that, but I concentrated more on Delia's character making her more empathetic and making her decision to sleep with Chase more believable. I also tried to work on POV a little.

Thanks for all your help.

JediP