Can I jump in as say that after reading your post I agree with the comment about Ana not being as well rounded as Owain. Her voice was really lost in chp 1 and I couldn't understand why we were seeing the birth from her POV. She seemed very detached, had minimal dialogue and when she did speak at the end - it was a kind of weird thing to say.

I don't know it she was scared of jenett, resentful, uncomfortable? It might help to be clear exactly how she was feeling about the task at hand and showing the conflict/difficulty as she wrestles with this while trying to be dutiful and loyal. Are her feelings for Evan so strong they override her dislike. Is there some other reason she's doing this thing she hates? Does she really hate it, or does she just not care?

Is she fiesty, protective, weak willed, does she speak her mind. Does she want to speak her mind but is too unsure.  I guess I wanted more of a hint about a few of these things with her dialogue and actions.

You told us Ana didn't like jenette. But Ana's reactions through out didn't show this. Was she covering them up because she's dutiful and loyal to  Evan?

I know the above is a little jumbled, but I wanted to get all the questions etc I had about her and her reactions down while they were fresh in my head.

Send me a slap if I've been shall we say, forthright, with my comments.

I do love the winged horses Tess xx

Ann, I think if you can take out the whole fantazing about his sister in the one chapter and make him more curious about her, you'll fix whatever issue you have there.  He needs to have a vague sense of recollection maybe, but he can't place her.  She's changed enough for him not to recognize her fully, but a brother and sister know each other on some level.  I would mine.  I might not recognize them after so many years, but deep down I'd know they were part of me.  Does that make sense?

Okay, I've redone chapter one again. I republished it if you need the points, but no need to re-review if you don't. Just skim it and let me know if it gives Ana a little depth and if POV issues are fixed. Thanks!

Ann Walters wrote:

penang wrote:

In the Wings of Danger

Um, Ang? It's    In the WINDS of Danger.....

You know what - this made me laugh because I've been not only calling, but reading it Wings of Danger too.  Flying horses? WWW sequel? Come on! I just noticed Winds the last time I typed it. No kidding. LOL

I'm working on redoing the first three chapters again. My sixth graders are brutally honest. They told me the second chapter is boring and Ana is a wimp in the first one. FINE. 

So that's why the delay in posting. I'm smushing, shaping, and cutting. Hopefully new stuff up this weekend.

Eager to see the changes

Yeah, wait until after this weekend, Ang. I will try to have it coherent by Monday. Of course, the weather is supposed to be beautiful--80 degrees plus, sunny....my pool might be calling a little too loudly...NO I WILL WRITE, I WILL.  hehe

Good for you! That's what weekends are for. I printed chapter 20. Yea!

Okay, this one is kicking my ass. Ana will NOT speak to me so I'm dumping her off the proverbial cliff. I'm redoing chapter one without Ana and without the births. I'm thinking I will save the birth chapter for the END of this one. That will make a better intro to the next one. So, the female lead in this one will be Nia, rider in First Barn. Strong, tough woman who takes charge and leads the rebellion for Third Barn. Stay tuned...

Ann Walters wrote:

Okay, this one is kicking my ass. Ana will NOT speak to me so I'm dumping her off the proverbial cliff. I'm redoing chapter one without Ana and without the births. I'm thinking I will save the birth chapter for the END of this one. That will make a better intro to the next one. So, the female lead in this one will be Nia, rider in First Barn. Strong, tough woman who takes charge and leads the rebellion for Third Barn. Stay tuned...

Okay, so did you post this after my review of chapter 1 or did I simply read your mind?!?!

Okay, here we go again. New new chapters 1 and 2 are up. I have abandoned Ana as my lead female in favor of Alanna, the rider who is approached to lead Third Barn. I've renamed her Nia (too many A names) and started with her. I think she's a much stronger character. Now I need to know how chapter one works as an opening, and how it works with chapter 2. Chapter 1 is totally new; chapter 2 has been reworked to fit the new chapter one.  Thanks!

Ann Walters wrote:

The joust idea in chapter one seems to be going over well. So, do I keep having the idiot barn leaders try it? Or do the riders rebel and it dies?

I'd keep it... then have someone die doing it after being demanded to contiine too by the barn leaders - you can show how each of them deals with being wrong and effectively murdering someone !!! gee that looks so much more grisly when it's written down.

Ohh maybe one of the barn leaders could sub themselves in on the sly and cause the death... they could even be scarred or maimed for life as a reminder to them and everyone else... Okay I need to go and get a life Tess

Last edited by TessB (05-16-2012 21:33:59)