LouLou S wrote:

hey thanks Jeanne. sorry I had nothing hugely intelligent to offer. I've got this major headache right now, and I'm trying to write this next chapter of mine.

but honestly, I never even gave it a thought. I just believe - because you make me believe its all possible.  perhaps I hadn't taken it apart and studied the whole thing. I'm just so wrapped up in your story. For me, your story is more about the characters than about the plotline.
and the bottom line, for me, I'm assuming whatever the badguys are planning is not going to work anyway!  well, I'm hoping....   as long as Paul and Bridget don't get killed, I'll be happy....   oh, and June....   and I hope Dane gets wise....

I think you are doing a great job   

Thanks Lou Just telling me how the book makes you feel is enough for me. I think as I write and learn, I'm learning what my strengths and weaknesses are. Perhaps I'm one of those who's better at creating characters than intricate plots. To tell you the truth, I make myself nervous when I think too much on my plot - I get lost in my own story sometimes.

Now go and take care of that headache. I hope you feel better really soon.

rita aguilar wrote:

Hi Jeanne,

Like I said, it sounds like you have this pretty well mapped out, it just wasn't coming through in the details, at least in the draft that I'm reading. 

I don't think you need to explain every detail of the master plan, but if you know in your mind the logic of how and why everyone who wants it to work expects it will, then that will naturally come through in your storytelling.

I think where I have the hardest time suspending belief is in the logic of human action and motivation.  Will this person buy into an idea and why?  I understand why Dane buys into going to Costa Rica, and why she buys into a relationship with uber-hot Greg, and why June is worried about the whole situation.  But I don't understand why the elites have bought into this plan of mass destruction, b/c as far as I can see they have much more to lose than to gain from doing it.  And I don't know them well enough to understand how they might weigh the costs and benefits of killing off the human race.  True, it's Apo's plan in the end -- but at some point he had to convince them all to buy into it.  Free will and all.   As a reader, if you get me to believe the motivations & actions of the characters make sense -- given who they are and how they see the world -- then I'm happy to suspend my belief with a whole host of other things, like the existence of demons and lizard men and so forth. 

Also -- On a separate and rather trivial question.  Is Dane middle aged?  I didn't catch that.  I always put her somewhere in her 30s.

Hi Rita - I understand what you're getting at and I will do my best to convey the motivations of the men. I think it's about layering for me, adding more and more as I write and rewrite. I may have to give Apollonius a bigger part in the story - perhaps add a chapter with him holding court and making all kinds of promises to these men who already have it all - perhaps he can give them something they don't already have like he did for Greg.

Dane is in her mid-30s - June is middle-aged (late 40s)

Thanks for your suggestions and for pushing me to write a better story.

Ooooh, I really like Susan's suggestion.  I'd love to see how Apollonius seduced these guys.

Even though I think it works as is, you can do a Flash Back with Greg the day the Dark Angel shows up, right after Dane arrives and Greg is (ahem) 'thinking about her LOL... Or at another time, anywhere Greg is alone and thinking.  You don't have to address this in the beginning - remember as a reader, I'm still not sure the D A is a bad guy…. until June has the vision - another good place to put that FB with the men.  Just thinking out loud - LOL - Like I said, if you feel you need it, a short intense paragraph when all those men get the message; play or your dead.  Simple as that.

Hi Jeanne,

I'd like to go ahead and shut down "Eolyn" on this site.  You're the only reviewer I have left on the novel at this point, and I think -- on many levels -- I'm simpy ready to move on in terms of what I'm doing on tnbw.  Would you mind leaving Eolyn unfinished & starting with "Akmael'"?  I'd really appreciate it -- I need much more assistance on the new novel at this point than I do on the old. 

Just let me know.

Thank you!  Hooray!  I'm so excited to have your sharp eye on this new novel. 

Hi Jeanne
Saw you were online and just wanted to drop in and say hi.
I'm still around..........
Lee

Hi all - I've just posted my entry to the Halloween short story contest. I know I got it in just in the nick of time - I would so very much appreciate it if I could get some feedback on it. It's probably in need of a little polishing. So if anyone can spare some time, I would be forever in your debt.

Thanks so much!

Hi Lee - thanks so much for reading and reviewing my story. I appreciated it very much. So glad it scared you a little - that mean's I've done my job.

BTW I'm going to post the blurbs I got for Thom's Journey on the Works in Progress for A Visit to Sandahl right now.

Thanks again my friend. I hope you're feeling better

Thanks very much Rita.

I just wanted to say...

Your story does NOT deserve a 2!  Sheesh!  I really enjoyed it; I think the ending will be just fine if you leave it -- kind of a personal preference thing, that one.

Good luck again.  I really hope to see you on the winner's list.

Hi Jeanne,

I was thinking about your novel last night & another discrepancy came to mind that you might want to consider.  Apolonius is messing with Greg's DNA to make him a lizard man, correct?  If he can do that, why didn't he just make the virus himself?  The human genome is a huge, complex, mucky mess of noncoding DNA and coding DNA and protein (and methyl groups, and who knows what else that we haven't figured out yet), whereas viruses just have a short snippet of RNA or DNA -- seems like that would be pretty straightforward stuff for a demonic genetic engineer.  Or did Apo actually make the virus, and the good doctor they hired is just doing some grunt work (cultivating the virus, setting things up for its delivery, etc?).

I also kind of miss the hard-nosed skeptic that Paul was when he first hit the story so many chapters ago.  He's softened up a lot -- almost too much -- and I think you're losing some great opportunity for tension by not letting him be the voice of skepticism in this whole affair.  I mean, he can still go along with Bridget b/c he needs her to get out of Greg's place, and b/c she can help him nab Dane.  He can even fall in love with her, in spite of himself and the wacko story she's trying to feed him.  But it might be cool to let him doubt until the very end, or near the very end, at which point the sh** can hit the fan, and he will have no choice but to believe.

Jeanne, I feel it works - for me anyway.  I figured Apollonius could easily manipulate Greg's DNA (one human to cull for managing his dirty deed) but couldn't do a widespread destruction thing without an earth bound team - or he just plain didn't wish to.  For me, the story reads like a new take on possession through altering DNA.

And also, if you think about it, it's a challenge for Apollonius - what fun would it be to alter all human life - or destroy it all in one fell swoop.  No human doing evil for him.  No human giving up morals for greed and HIS existence.  No manipulation.  Demons and even Satan himself, always seem to work through one human leader at a time, their ultimate goal to rule the earth. I know you are talking about the DNA thing, Rita, but like I said, I took it as an original way to use possession and get what he wants - the hard way.

That's what I got while reading, anyway.  And I also felt that he had to have the right human body to be born and earth bound.  Kind of like killing two birds with one stone - A human minion inserted with his DNA to come up with a plan for wiping out millions.  And another for that infected human to mate with another who had extraordinary powers -  Dane -  who has the gift to destroy evil entities. Thus - Appollonius is really mating with Dane.  And it's oh-so-evil.  Being born from a woman like Dane.  Who hates evil and riskes her life killing it.  Oh yeah - that makes for some tension.

Just my take.  Hope it helps, Jeanne, and doesn't add more confusion.  LOL

Susan

Last edited by Susan Stec (10-19-2010 12:48:25)