Okay, Susan (and others)
Before entering Amazon's contest, I want to spiff up the beginning of WWW.
One common complaint from reviewers is that the horses have no purpose.  In a modern world, a town with horses that fly must be remote or overrun with gawkers.  So my town is in the mountains.  I am going to add an annual competition between barns, held in High Meadow.  It will attract TV coverage, tourists, think income for the town.  Winged herds will compete in races and in formation flying (think Blue Angels on winged horses).  Eliv's horse is aging, but he wants to dominate the Games.  To do this, he founds Alpha Barn.  Add in some cheating, some financial shenanigans and Eliv's natural creepiness. 

Whaddya think?  Could that work?

Ann Walters wrote:

Okay, Susan (and others)
Before entering Amazon's contest, I want to spiff up the beginning of WWW.
One common complaint from reviewers is that the horses have no purpose.  In a modern world, a town with horses that fly must be remote or overrun with gawkers.  So my town is in the mountains.  I am going to add an annual competition between barns, held in High Meadow.  It will attract TV coverage, tourists, think income for the town.  Winged herds will compete in races and in formation flying (think Blue Angels on winged horses).  Eliv's horse is aging, but he wants to dominate the Games.  To do this, he founds Alpha Barn.  Add in some cheating, some financial shenanigans and Eliv's natural creepiness. 

Whaddya think?  Could that work?

The only thing that I can see is that if you make it known to the world, you would have to follow through with the rest of the story and do you really want outsiders to see them?  It would really change the story, I think.  I was fine without it.  But then if your other readers think different, go with it.  But I never gave a thought to outsiders.  Truly, I didn't,  I was absorbed in your world.  Not in the outside world.  Don't know if this will help or confuse.  Sorry. ha!

What did they mean by "purpose"? 

I liked having the towns isolated, a world unto themselves.  Of course, I haven't read enough of your novel to get a sense of the bigger picture - where these towns fit in the 'modern' world.  But you might take an endangered species approach - that these towns are fiercely protective of the horses b/c everywhere else where people have gotten wind of them, they up and died for a number of reasons. Or something like that. 

But you know, there are so many wonderful big secrets in fantasy, and characters that go to great lengths to keep them, so I don't see why you can't do that in your story.  And as a girl, I read so many horse stories and never worried about whether the horse had a purpose.  It was just cool to read about horses.  And now you've got winged horses, which is even cooler. 

My two cents.

Ann Walters wrote:

Yeah, I can see that opening it up would really complicate the plot.  I don't really want to do that.  Gotta think about this some more.
Great ideas, Lee....don't wanna go there.  lol  too much work!

I kind of feel it needs something, an over arching theme about Eliv and the horses.  Would something as simple as Eliv getting his knickers in a knot and wanting to take all the horses deeper into the hills (like he did when they left Tremirson) give enough of a threat to make the beginning of the story more compelling?

I personally like it the way it is.  But that's just me.  I like your opening!  And I know from personal experience that when you start screwing with the original idea you end up with a mess.  I've made quite a few changes in my first novel, some good for the story, some not so much.  So, if I were you, I'd really think about it before you make those changes and for Gods sake, keep the original!

Susan

Congrats to you and the class on Novel Central. Will it be for sale on amazon?

I just posted a new prologue for Love, Lies, and Longing that explains the Jev/Milav conflict, twenty years before the story starts.  I am concerned that chapter one starts with Daav, and you don't figure out who Jev and Milav are until the end of chapter one.  Readers will hang out that long to get the connection between the prologue and chapter one, right?

Also, should I start the prologue with Jev's proposal or keep it as a flashback?

I added a few lines to chapter one (which I didn't upload because they were flat and dead) to explain the Jev/Milav thing, then decided to write it in real time.  That has to be from Jev's POV, so I added the prologue.  It matches the Epilogue, which is also from Jev's POV, but instantly makes agents hate it.  But my current philosophy is targeted toward making my books flow together as good stories.  I don't need no stinking agent.  not right yet, anyway. 

Feedback on ‘Road to Sandahl’ by Ann Walters

First Ann, let me say it is an inspiring piece of work told from a young female perspective. That in itself sets it apart from much of the Methanasia material and should add to the overall depth of the anthology. Hooray for you! Now to some suggestions I would like you to consider. Any specific nits I’ll put in the review posting.

Here are some thoughts I think will bring it a little better in line with the area.

#1
On the first page you referred to Grandpa Albin who built an Inn in Sandahl, but near the end of the story the grandpa is MacAlbin. I added Borin MacAlbin (the Uncle) to the my etymology names index. Need to correct the early reference to MacAlbin vice Albin. I like the MacAlbin better because it is familiar and in context with the MacLeans, they might possibly be distant relatives through an old clan from the Dane-Klyve kingdoms, far to the north of Smeln.

#2
When the men are talking about a Demonseeker, one says she conjured up a Golem. That is ok, but a Golem played a major role in the first book and the reader learned it takes some sort of material like clay or stone and the process involves actually creating a man shape figure. A Demonseeker, being a witch-like conjuror, would more likely conjure up
a Ghoul or Ghost. I’ll leave it to you, but I’d consider changing it to a Ghoul in the teller’s story.

#3
Let’s give the hostler a name. He’s obviously from the local area, maybe a nearby farm, and Ria would know him well enough to think in those terms.
She recognized three of the traders from last night and the hostler, Paddy, who helped her father with the guests’ horses.
“Ria, sweetie, don’t look,† the kindly old Paddy tried to say.
And later…
“Come on, come away.† Paddy covered her father’s face hastily and….

#4
Which way and how they travel is a bit confusing.
First, the traders set off East toward Sandahl…
Then she rides with Ian to MacLean’s Inn… (theoretically west of the burned MacAlbin Inn.
So far this works well…but then
“Around them the morning was blossoming. Rolling green hills dotted with stands of forest fell away behind them all the way to Vinberg.â€
If they are moving west toward MacLean’s Inn, Vinberg lies ahead, beyond that, another few days ride to the west. This scenario would also have them backtrack past the burned out Inn when they headed out to Sandahl. Which is ok, because Ferenc MacLean says he will go back with Ian to bury the dead.
So how to fix all this…
Change the ‘stands of forest fell away behind them all the way to Vinberg’ line with…
Rolling green hills dotted with stands of forest fell away behind them. The road ahead continued across flatlands to MacLean’s and beyond to distant Vinberg.

Add something about Ferenc on his horse with another mule packed with shovels. Maybe right after… ‘She was off on her adventure.’ Behind her Squire MacLean brought up the rear on his large dapple gray mare and leading another mule packed with shovels and several bolts of white linen. It pained Ria to look back at that mule, but she was pleased that at least she would be there when her parents were laid to rest.

I think that also adds more feeling about her loss. She doesn’t just ride away with a stranger until her parents are taken care of…….

Add a brief interlude scene where they bury them and part company with MacLean.

#5
Toward the end they transit the west pass.  This is a well worn road of hard rock between towering stone cliffs. She would have taken note of the horses hooves making loud noises as they walked along. At first she might think someone else was either in front or following them, but Ian would tell her it was just the echoes bouncing up and down the canyon walls. They would pass by several deep stone quarries filled with clear azure water. One part of the pass would be blindingly white chalk stone, other areas she might see red granite or veined marble.

Don’t worry about exceeding the word limits, 3 – 5k was just guidance. You’ve got a good story going here and a few extra words are not a problem by me, more descriptors would be welcome. It might exceed the posting limits on TNBW site, if that is a problem, break it into 2 parts to post. I will want to email with you later so we cane exchange actual document copies before we go final.

OTHER THINGS:

The trip (after they bury her parents) has little except the mysterious encounter by campfire light with the informer. What if the next day, as they stop by a small pool in the pass, a strange small man with wild red hair steps out from behind a rock and starts to attack her. Then good ole Ian (who was taking a leak) comes to her rescue and, after a brief sword fight, slays the bad guy. (I feel she needs to experience more personal danger)

The end of the story seems to be anti-climactic. She arrives safe at her uncle’s and joins her brother. Is that it for her? What about her family’s killers? She might want to get involved with her brother’s hunt for revenge or justice.

Well I think the li' lady has a winner. Just finished the Road to Sandahl
revised version and I am grinning ear to ear. I didn't see any s/p/g or
content problems, everything flowed well and made sense, and it imparted
the sense of loss I think we were looking for in Ria. Excellent inclusion of
the edit suggestions, I wasn't being pushy I hope.

I've noticed some have already suggested you carry it on to make a novel.


What we will need to do next is just a final review. I have saved & reformatted it to
two-line spacing, Times New Roman, 12 and left/right justification. If you want I can
email you a copy of the story with these alterations, but they don't materially
change anything with the text or dialogue.

Gotta go for now....great Job!!!!!!

Ann
How about 'Equine Angels' for a title?

Lee

Last edited by C Lee Brown (03-19-2010 05:13:17)

Or 'Soaring Wings, Flashing Hooves'

Ha, Susan, Tirz IS good.  "On a Wing and a Dare" works for now.  Thanks