Thank you, Rach_elle. Those comments and suggestions are really helpful. I'm glad you're enjoying the story and that my characters are coming across vibrantly enough. I'm so encouraged that you find the plot amazing and that it's unfolding at a good pace now.

Thanks, Isabel, for the great feedback. Much appreciated!

Thanks so much for your positive feedback and suggestions. I'm glad you're enjoying it.

Oh, haha. I thought you meant the end of the chapter. I didn't think I was that obscure throughout. That's just me being confused.

Sapphire Reign Chapters 12-14

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention? Yes, although the opening of Chapter 12 was a bit confusing because I wasn't sure who was talking.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is? Chapter 12 Vivien is on the prowl and a part of her doesn't want to be but it is like an addiction and then there is the tension between her and Gabe and then, of course there is the whole issue with shooting and her thinking it is her dead husband. LOL.
Chapter 13 is the whole Lovella wanting to put the attack behind her and Skye wanting blood and then Majesty, who is overwhelmed with different problems and then back to Vivien, whose life just keeps getting weirder.
Chapter 14 Even when they get away Vivien's life still keeps taking weird turns since she finds out Hannah is a secret agent, basically, and then there is still the tension between Vivien and Gabe and then poor Crystal, who just can't catch a break.
§    Plot – Is it believable? Yes, you have a way of writing that makes everything sensible no matter how strange it is. I feel like I am watching it happen.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place? Yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts. Very believable Vivien and Gabe were done especially well.
§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less? Good dialogue
§    Point of view – Is it consistent? Within the different segments, yes.
§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?  Lots of showing and action.
§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors. No
§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy? Very easy to read. Not preachy at all
§    Prose – Is there any purple prose? No
For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§    Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate? N/A

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action? Definitely
§    Does the story move quickly? Definitely
§    Is the tension level high? Definitely
§    Are the protagonists strong? Definitely
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? Definitely


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well. The tension between Vivien and Gabe is really well done
§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. There is a lot of confusion at the beginning of Chapter 12. I'm not sure how to fix it but it is disorienting at first.
§    How do you think the story could be improved? I'm not sure how to do it but there needs to, sometimes be a little better segue between the characters. Sometimes it just seems to jump into the next person and it takes me a minute or so to catch up with who is talking. Of course part of this is probably that I go a while between chapters. And this is really minor in the grand scheme of things since  so many things are done really well in this story.

amarie wrote:

Some of your comments made me laugh like: you have a way of writing that makes everything sensible no matter how strange it is. I'm so glad you're enjoying the story and are finding plenty of action in it. I'll try and add better indicators at the beginning of chapters to show whose head we're in. Sometimes I don't give that away for a couple lines and that causes confusion.

I think the only problems that I have had with that are Skye at the beginning of one Chapter and Vivien at the beginning of Chapter 12.  It is a great story, and you really nailed the whole scene between Vivien and Gabe. The sexual tension was off the charts.

Chapters 12-14 (sorry I'm a little late!)

§ Opening- do the opening sentences/ paragraphs grab your attention?

12-yes, a great opening paragraph for the most part, we've already discussed the slight confusion caused by POV
13-great- I like how you prepare the reader for the strange scene and then set it up, the last line "Lovella glowed with a beaming smile" perfectly contradicts what we are expecting her reaction to be after such a horrible experience
14-I mentioned in my chapter review that the last clause of the first sentence doesn't make sense to me, I'm not sure that it adds to the meaning of the sentence.  Otherwise, its a good opening paragraph, it gets the reader in Vivian's head quickly and gets us excited for what she could possibly find out about the strange man who actually wasn't her husband!

§ Conflict- can you identify what it is?

Absolutely.  Vivian is trying to get laid, but her plans are rejected by a man who then seems like a bit of a stalker, and then gunfire erupts and she is confronted with a man who at first looks like her dead husband, but then turns out not to be while discovering that this strange man and a friend of her friend Majesty are some kind of undercover operatives.  Meanwhile, Skye gets a lesson on being a minority from Lovella, and has to struggle against her own desire for vengeance for her friend while respecting that friend's wishes that it remain her battle, not Skye's.  And Majesty is struggling with understanding Alec's and Vivian's betrayal.  And Crystal begins dealing with a demon of some kind and accidentally attacks the only "friend" she has, who just happens to be able to sense demons.  Whew.  Lots of conflict!!

§ Plot- is it believable?

Believable in the sense that I absolutely believe everything the characters tell me and can't wait to learn more of the story.  Real life believable, no.  But it's not supposed to be.

§ Setting- is there a real sense of time and place?

Yes, the bar and hospital room were done well.  Donny and Hannah's place as well.  Very good descriptions and creation of atmosphere.

§ Characterization- are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts?

I'm not sure about Vivian and Gabe yet.  They don't feel like cardboard cutouts, and I'm interesting in learning more about them, but I don't know yet how I feel about them.  Vivian I have mixed feelings about, and I can't tell if I like Gabe or find him creepy

§ Dialogue- is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?

Yes, your dialogue is always excellent.

§ Point of View- is it consistent?

You move between different points of view very well.  beginning of chapter 12 is the only place where the POV needs to be clarified.

§ Show vs. Tell- are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?

Excellent showinng

§ Grammar and Spelling- are there too many grammatical, punctuation, and spelling errors?

Not many at all.  I included the few I saw in my chapter reviews.

§ Style/ Tone- is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?

Very easy to read (fun to read!), very effective, not preachy at all.

§ Prose- is there any purple prose?

None that I came across

For specific sub-genres e.g. Historical and Regency Romance
§ Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate?

N/A

For Romantic Suspense
§ Is there enough action?

Definitely a lot of action, you describe the beginning of the gunshots and Angel/Gabe's rise to duty very well

§ Does the story move quickly?

Yes and no.  The action makes it feel like it moves quickly, but I feel like we've moved away from the issues that were important earlier in the book, and there's no indication that they are coming back.  For example: why is Majesty playing cards with her friends instead of continuing the hunt for her daughter?  Why wasn't she able to blow them off?  Or did she need a break?

§ Is the tension level high?

Yes

§ Are the protagonists strong?

Yes, though again, I still want to learn more about Vivien and Gabe (I know it's coming, though)

§ Is there a strong dramatic tone?

Yes

Give overall impressions of the chapter
§ What you liked most and what worked well.

The description of action was done very well, between the gunshots ringing out and Angel/Gabe throwing Vivien to the ground, and the recognition of her dead husband- all excellent.

§ What you liked least or feel could have been done better.

More of an introduction to Vivien earlier in the story.  We don't really know much about her when we start hearing from her POV.

§ How do you think the story could be improved?

At this point I'm wondering how everything connects.  I know it does, but my brain is starting to want answers.  Maybe there are clues I just haven't picked up on, but I guess more of an indication of how everything fits together would be my suggestion for improvements.

That said, I think this is such a great story, and I almost don't want you to take that advice, because I think I'm going to be blown away when it all does come together.

Amarie, I'm sorry I'm late this week.  I have a wedding I'm working at today, and its consumed a lot of my free time this week, I haven't been able to do any proper reviewing.  I haven't forgotten about you though.  Either tonight after the wedding, or tomorrow morning Sapphire is my first priority!

Rach

Ch 15-17

§ Opening- do the opening sentences/ paragraphs grab your attention?
15- it's fine
16- fine
17- Great

§ Conflict- can you identify what it is?
15- lots of conflict going on: Vivien trying to seduce Gabe, Crystal remembering her kidnapping/ murder of her parents, Chance discovering the body he's using is a hitman
16- Skye trying to spook the Wisteria sisters but something ruins her plans,  Majesty gets a phone call from the weird stranger and he has weird demands
17-Chance discovers he's been tapped to kill Majesty, who he's just asked to help him (so he's the weird stranger), Vivien's daughter is drawing Special K's murder scenes, Crystal's looming ability evolves and she tries to undo what she did to Majesty, Chance is stalking Majesty

§ Plot- is it believable?
Yes, although I think you can elaborate on the Wisteria Sisters thing prior to chapter 16.  I don't really understand Skye's motives for wanting to "get back at them," because she has it planned before Lovella is attacked (and we can't be sure they are behind Lovella's attack anyways)

§ Setting- is there a real sense of time and place?
Yes

§ Characterization- are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts?
Great characters.  I want to know more about most of them, they intrigue me

§ Dialogue- is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Oh yeah, good dialogue, there was one spot in  chapter 16 I pointed out in my review that I found a little off, a little forced, when Majesty is on the phone with the "stranger," but other than that you're dialogue is very natural

§ Point of View- is it consistent?
Yes

§ Show vs. Tell- are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?
very showy

§ Grammar and Spelling- are there too many grammatical, punctuation, and spelling errors?
I pointed any specifics out in the individual chapter reviews

§ Style/ Tone- is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
Very easy to read, great word choices

§ Prose- is there any purple prose?
No

For specific sub-genres e.g. Historical and Regency Romance
§ Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate?
n/a

For Romantic Suspense
§ Is there enough action?
Definitely!!  Lots of action going on!

§ Does the story move quickly?
I wouldn't say it moves quickly, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.  There are certain sub-plots I'd like to have more information about earlier on: Wisteria Sisters, Chance, Gabe & Hannah and the terrorists, but  I think for the most part the pacing of the story works really well.

§ Is the tension level high?
Absolutely!

§ Are the protagonists strong?
oh yeah

§ Is there a strong dramatic tone?
oh yeah

Give overall impressions of the chapter
§ What you liked most and what worked well.
I think your characters are great.  Each one feels distinct, with a distinct voice and personality.

§ What you liked least or feel could have been done better.
My least favorite scene from these three chapters is the one in the house where Skye is throwing the party.  I don't really understand her motivation

§ How do you think the story could be improved?
more details earlier on.  But what do I know?? I enjoy reading the story as it is.


I'll do the next three chapters tomorrow!
~Rach

21-23

§ Opening- do the opening sentences/ paragraphs grab your attention?
21-Great
22-Great
23-Not my favorite opening paragraph, but the second one got me very excited because we are finally going to learn why the children are so important!

§ Conflict- can you identify what it is?
21- Skye doesn't realize Majesty's missing, Skye makes out with Lucas (who is not her boyfriend) and is caught by Willow, Skye is given instructions by the wisteria sisters, Chance wonders why no one has found majesty's body (I'm guessing because she's not really dead ), Crystal learns that the headmaster is supposed to be looking for "the guardian" and the headmaster talks about "jewels," the school has lydia (I presume), skye gets more instructions from the Wisteria sisters and feels guilty for getting a sick teacher in trouble--- lots of action/conflict packed into this chapter!!!
22- the search for Lydia is on, Vivien wants to join Gabe's terrorist fighting organization (or whatever it is), Crystal finds folders labeled "expired" in the headmaster's office, the Wisteria sisters lead Skye to a dangerous pit filled with snakes and she can't find a way out but Lucas finds her
23- Gabe begins to explain what his group is working on, Willow confronts Skye about making out with Lucas, Skye discovers Majesty is missing, the police tell her and Alec her van went over the cliff

§ Plot- is it believable?
Oh, its getting sooooo good

§ Setting- is there a real sense of time and place?
yes

§ Characterization- are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts?
I love your characters

§ Dialogue- is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
yes- I'd like more info on the children from gabe, but your dialogue is always very natural

§ Point of View- is it consistent?
yes

§ Show vs. Tell- are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?
good show

§ Grammar and Spelling- are there too many grammatical, punctuation, and spelling errors?
very few, I pointed them out in individual chapter reviews

§ Style/ Tone- is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
Very easy to read, it's getting to the point where I wish I had the whole book in my hand so I could read more than a couple of chapters at a time

§ Prose- is there any purple prose?
no

For specific sub-genres e.g. Historical and Regency Romance
§ Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate?
n/a

For Romantic Suspense
§ Is there enough action?
haha, more than enough!  these chapters are jam-packed!!

§ Does the story move quickly?
It's picking up and I'm loving it.

§ Is the tension level high?
YES!  Majesty's okay, right?

§ Are the protagonists strong?
yes

§ Is there a strong dramatic tone?
yes

Give overall impressions of the chapter
§ What you liked most and what worked well.
I love love love that we are getting some answers about the kids here and I loved Alec's reaction to Majesty's possible death.  Anger disappears out the window and is replaced by worry, fear, and hope.  Great job.

§ What you liked least or feel could have been done better.
More explanation from Gabe on what the different gems refer to

§ How do you think the story could be improved?
The writing is fantastic, I love the characters, and the drama is picking up.  I don't really have any suggestions for improvement.  I want more information, but I know its coming.


~Great work Amarie!  sorry it took me so long to do these.  Am I all caught up now?

Rach

rach_elle wrote:

18-20

§ Opening- do the opening sentences/ paragraphs grab your attention?
18- loved it
19- fantastic
20- not my favorite, but its fine

§ Setting- is there a real sense of time and place?
yes- although the season could use a little more definition, Majesty is skidding on the ice, but I don't get any other indication that its winter time, i may have missed something though

It's early November and the weather is erratic, warm days, frigid nights. I'll give more seasonal cues. That's from way back in chapter one, but I try to give cues about the barren trees and dead leaves on the ground. I'll work on adding more.

rach_elle wrote:

§ Characterization- are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts?
characters are PHENOMENAL

Thanks!

rach_elle wrote:

Give overall impressions of the chapter
§ What you liked most and what worked well.
The contrast of the two sex scenes.  We don't actually see Skye and Justin's, but you give so much emotion there.  And then the passion and fire between gabe and vivien- very hot, plus its also very emotional.  both couples are experiencing so much and the reader feels it with them

That's so great to know. Thanks for saying so.

rach_elle wrote:

§ How do you think the story could be improved?
More crystal- always more crystal!

Chapter 25 is all Crystal. Her story breaks open much more.

I'm glad I could help.  Your story really is amazingly good.  I like that it is complex.