tina, thank you so much for this assessment and the time and trouble you've taken with it. I am very glad it appears to be on track. I feel that the plot unfolds more smoothly later on. (I confess Chs 18 & 19 - also Edna's Archives are my favourites so far!!!!)

Must get more posted and get some more reviews done for you all 

Diana

Rather late, but here goes...

Opening
Chapter 4 - Deep inside him, the tremors kept sweeping through his body. (Works okay.  Would prefer…Deep inside him, the tremors swept through his body.  You could even go without ‘Deep inside him’.
Chapter 5 – Works well
Chapter 6 – Really liked this one.
They all work well

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Dr. Hardgreaves and his emotional state over the crime.
The officer faces the same sort of thing as he goes over Edna’s murder
Susan and Daniella edging around each other and Susan's sate of mind.

§    Plot – Definitely realistic based on what has gone before.

§    Setting – Didn’t need much setting since most everything (chap 4)  takes place in the hospital.  Also created my own pics of the house where Susan’s staying.  It was adequate, I think.

§    Characterization –  You’ve created some intriguing characters.  I’m feeling Susan’s reluctance to become involved.  Her attitude toward Daniella who’s come to see what info. she can get.  Daniella is what I’d expect from someone who’s used to being part of the upper echelons of society.  The girls also run true to form.  Liked what you did with Carissa - typical confused teen with conflicting feelings - in particular that bit with Jack.

§    Dialogue – Works well.

§    Point of view – Yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Particularly liked the images you created of the dogs racing to greet the visitors, the description was such I could see them.  Think you did a good job of showing  vs. telling

§    Grammar & Spelling – No problems. Would have caught those on the previous review.

§    Style/Tone –  Very easy to read. Like the humorous bits.

§    Prose – No

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action? I think so for the time being.  The first three chapters were rife with action and now we get some viewpoints from various people as well as seeing them interacting with each other.

§    Does the story move quickly? Yes, it does.

§    Is the tension level high? Susan’s state of mind contributes to how she relates to her guest. Their intro is a bit tense and Susan’s also tense on the inside with all the stuff she has going on and here’s a guest now that’s related to the very thing she’s trying to avoid.  Same for the doctor and the policeman.  Most of what goes on is internal.

§    Are the protagonists strong?  Yes, each in their own way. 

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? Yes, there’s been a murder and each character has something going on on the inside which contributes to heightening the sense drama.  The officer can’t remember what he’s supposed to and the doctor is troubled over the fact that the murderer would have watched him moving around the floor before taking action.

Give overall impressions of the chapter:-

§    What you liked most and what worked well.  Liked the humor and seeing Susan’s inner turmoil. Also it was interesting to watch the two women interacting with each other.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better.  / §    How do you think the story could be improved?

In chapter 4, think the last sentence may be a tension killer.  Think it would end better if the policeman is left frustrated by that detail he can’t quite remember.
In chapter 6, I think her fear or being recognized is of less import than her worry that something’s happened to her daughter.

No problem. It certainly took me long enough to get to it.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Chapter 1 – Who’d ever expect a murder at the sheepdog trials? Not me! Now that’s original. The central plot is clear.
Chapter 2 – The internal struggles for the MC begin.
Chapter 3 – The antagonist revealed. This is a baddie who has no problems killing for self interest.
§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Main conflict: whodunit? And why? The reluctant MC vs. injustice.
Internal conflict: Self-interest (health, safety sanity? All of the above… vs. Innate desire to get involved.
Is anyone safe with an amoral killer trying to cover his tracks? No one! Preservation of secret vs. risk of getting caught.

§    Plot – Is it believable? –  So, far so good. The murder was a touch clumsy. But the killer is taking risks. Not a pro. But is the timing and action plausible under the circumstances.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
Never been to sheepdog trials, but seemed accurate enough.
The hospital seemed fairly accurate.
Sense of time was thrown off by tense changes.
§    Characterization –
Susan’s development is on par with progression of the book. I want to know why she is feeling so conflicted about this.


§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?

Where it is used it works well. Some people are dialogue junkies. I enjoy narrative.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent? 
It is clean for what you are doing. But it’s hard for me to follow. Only because I have trouble wrapping my head around that tense.

§    Show vs. Tell –
Good showing throughout. Well done.

§    Grammar & Spelling –
Your writing is clean and well done.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
Hard for ME to read, but I think it will work for most readers.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose? – N/A

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action? 

Murder, a short break for introspection, more murder. Yep, that works.

§    Does the story move quickly?  The pace is done well and keeps me interested.

§    Is the tension level high?
Murder, is a guaranteed tension creator. What will the body count be?

§    Are the protagonists strong?

She appears to struggle with her own perception of self and strength. Her journey will be compelling for women. I can identify with her.

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? 
Offing a senior citizen and covering up a “secret.† Drama is on.


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-

§    What you liked most and what worked well. –

The fresh concept of how the murder happens POW! At a happy little dog contest. Didn’t see that coming. And I was expecting a death.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. /  How do you think the story could be improved?

It seems on track. I’ll adjust to the tense as I read.

tina, thank you so much for this assessment. I am glad it's okay character-wise and is believeable. I have printed out your's and jedi's chapters to read and have done arianna's, but not had time to post it today. Will be getting to everyone's work in the next couple of days. 

Diana

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Chapter 7 – Attention getting all right.
Chapter 8 – Works fine
Chapter 9 – Works fine

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?

Susan’s thinking about how her marriage came to end. And now she’s face to face with her ex.
Glenwood’s thoughts about why Edna was murdered, as well as her cousin
Family conflict

§    Plot – Is it believable? – Yes, there’s been a murder, the police have come and based on Susan’s history, she doesn’t want to be embroiled in what’s unfolding. 

§    Setting –  Think you did well with this.

§    Characterization – Think I have a good sense of the characters who’ve been introduced in these chapters so far. 

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Think the dialogue works fine.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?  Yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Think you did a good job with this.  Even in Greenwood’s chapter where a lot of it is tell, it’s done well. 

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
No problems here.  No problems.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy? Didn’t have any problems reading. Word choices good, no preachiness.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?  No

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?  Yes
§    Does the story move quickly? Yes
§    Is the tension level high?  When it needed to be. In Greenwood’s chapter, it was a bit slower, but this is understandable and even then, we know there’s something for him to discover.
§    Are the protagonists strong? Yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?  Yes


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.  Liked Susan’s reaction to her ex.  Clearly her feelings for him aren’t dead.  Their exchange speaks to exactly how antagonistic parties argue and how things go wrong and how we remember only our side/actions as being right and just.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. / How do you think the story could be improved?   I have no complaints this time.

Diana,

I need to catch up with the latter chapters.  'Soon come' as we say here in Jamaica.

I still owe yourself and tina detailed reviews this time around. As Joy says, 'soon come'   
At least with School Age I've read it so only have to refresh my memory of the designated chapters. With Nefarious I think I have to read the lot first and that may take a day or so.

Diana

Last edited by Cadfael (03-06-2009 15:45:16)

jedi, thank you so much for this assessment. I shall have a look at Susan's chapter where she tells Marli about her marriage with David and see if I can hasten it. I tried by giving Marli interjections and Susan's private thoughts about what her and David got up to.  SHall see what I can do about the beginnings of the ch 8 & 9.  Again thank you so much 
Diana

tina, thank you so much for this assessment. This is much appreciated and I shall try and put more "tell" into it on second draft! Glad you find it fun as well as murky   

I am dripping with guilt as I have not caught up with this forum as yet. I am so sorry   
Diana

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Chapter 10 – Works well, however suggest you break it in two. .. 'Arthur, go and put your teeth in!' snapped Lady Ferna Robinson, (maybe here  and start a new sentence) as she eyed her elderly husband over the cornflakes – organic of course and only the most expensive brand - with practiced dislike.
Chapter 11 – Works fine
Chapter 12 – Great starting sentence

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Chapter 10 – Ferna and Arthur’s hate/hate relationship.  Arthur’s internal turmoil over the secret Edna died for
Chapter 11 – Susan’s turbulent history with David.
Chapter  12 – The murderer’s realization that his friend might catch up with him and what he has to do to prevent  that.

§    Plot – Plot is believable and intriguing.

§    Setting – Yes, no problems here.  Could see Ferna/Arthur’s surroundings, etc.

§    Characterization
Characters are distinct and believable.

§    Dialogue – Works for me.  No complaints.

§    Point of view – Had a teensy issue at the end of Arthur’s chapter, in that you go into omniscient at the very end.  This is okay, if you do this elsewhere in the story.

§    Show vs. Tell – Good balance. Telling the mother/father story to Marli had to be done through dialogue.  Still you drew vivid pictures by using her memory to fill in additional details.
 
§    Grammar & Spelling – No problems.

§    Style/Tone – No problems reading.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?  No


For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?  Not a lot of action, which is okay.  The interaction between Ferna/Arthur, the story of Susan/David and the mysterious killer provided enough grist to keep me quite interested.  Chapter 12 promises the reader some action to come based on the plans the murderer has.
 
§    Does the story move quickly? Good enough pace for me.

§    Is the tension level high?  Yes – particularly in chapter 12.  Arthur’s anxiety also keeps things tense.
 
§    Are the protagonists strong?  Yes

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?  Yes – particularly the secret that gets Edna killed.  I’m wondering what it could be that’s so serious someone would kill and plan to kill again over it.   

David and Susan life also seemed to be filled with high drama.  Guess the stress of their jobs, the post pregnancy blues, not to mention the unavoidable absences would be responsible for that.   

Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.  Edna and Arthur were a hoot.  It was also good to see Susan and David’s past.  Their temperament made them a volatile match.  Also was interested in seeing things from the murderer’s perspective.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better.  /§    How do you think the story could be improved? – I have no complaints.  I scanned through chapters 11 and 12, thinking I’d already read them.  Now I’ll go back and nitpick.  Maybe I’ll even find something to gripe about.

Cad,

I've been wanting to ask Arianna about hers for a while, but haven't got around to it.  I wondered about continuing to read (and I'm, behind on that as well) since she's now reposting the entire thing.  Will ask.

I need to disable Hardware. I'd posted it for the contest. Speaking of which I need to get it edited just in case it managed to place.  It needs trimming so bad, but it's dear to my heart, so I don't know where to start cutting. 

Actually for SMM, I like the suggestions you've made for a title.  Now that I think about it SMM ties is with the song - that whole musician thing.

Justine is, in fact, the main protagonist.  When I came up with the idea, she is all there was, but then I knew I needed secondary plots to make things more interest and provide a contrast,  so Dionne and Kareen fell nicely.

My girls are in for some rough times, which I hope I can wrap up real soon.

Wanted him likeable!  Yay!  You should see the man I modeled him off.  Not handsome, but a really tall drink of water and a really hot body! If I were his wife, I'd tie him up inside and not let him out of my sight.