OVERALL REVIEW


§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Chapter 1 - Yes, makes you sit up and take notice.
Chapter 2 – No problems here.  You remind us of the drama that’s gone before in the 2nd paragraph.
Chapter 3 – Opening works.  We’re in Edna’s head and know she has something important to tell, but she isn’t able to follow through.

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Chapter 1 - Mostly internal.  Susan wants to mind her own business and fights the urge to get sucked into an investigation.
Chapter 2 – Again, Susan would prefer to mind her own business, but now she’s thrust into a mystery.
Chapter 3 – Edna’s not able to get the job done and the killer ensures that is that.

§    Plot – Is it believable? – So far, I can buy into it.  Whatever the secret is, it’s obviously big and dangerous enough that a family member would kill over it.

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
I believe you have done a good job of setting the scene.  I had a pretty clear picture of where the action takes place in Chapter 1.  Didn’t need much for the hospital.  What was there was sufficient.  Also got a good enough view of Susan’s surroundings in Chapter 2.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.

Susan’s sense of duty wars with the need to stay out of it, so already we know a little bit about her and her relationship with her daughter.  Don’t think we need much more than this for an introduction, particularly since for right now, this is about the murder that’s taken place. 

Marli sounds pretty much like the average young person and Edna is likeable. 

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?

What there is in Chapter 1 works.  Not much dialogue these first chapters, but that’s fine.

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?  Yes.  In Chapter 3 we get a bit of Edna and then it changes.  That too is fine, since we don’t know the killer and medical staff info is conveyed fine as you’ve done it here.

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice?   I particularly liked the humorous edge you used here which came from the different activities taking place – the escaping animals, the confused wife, etc.  Good balance in all chapters. 

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors. (No problems)

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy? 
It’s not hard to read, but the language could be simpler in Chapter 1.  I suspect that you’ve written it this way deliberately. 

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose? - No

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?  Definitely - we get going with a bang (pardon the pun) and then there’s a bit of suspense with who might be silently ‘stalking’ Susan and then Edna is murdered.   I’d say that’s quite enough for these chapters.

§    Does the story move quickly?  Yes

§    Is the tension level high? Yes, humor aside, Susan’s state of mind and her eagerness to get on with her own thing, creates some tension.  Then there’s the unseen stalker and the murder.

§    Are the protagonists strong? Yes

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?  I’d say so


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-

§    What you liked most and what worked well. – The humor works very well, even though there’s a murder.  I liked the fact that the murderer is someone Edna clearly likes, which will make the case interesting to sort out.

§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. /  How do you think the story could be improved? – Can’t think of anything right now.

Went out of town this weekend. Will get to this review tomorrow.

Sorry

Jedi

Cadfael
A Whisper of Murder
§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
CH.1 honestly, I had to read that sentence three or four times before I understood, but once I did, I thought it was brilliant. I think the phrase two dog trial judges threw me off. I wasn’t expecting it and I didn’t know what a dog trial judge was. But once I figured out where they were it all made sense and like I said. Brilliant.
Ch. 2 and 3 – fine

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Definitely – murder is afoot. Two murders! Susan has got to figure this out.

§    Plot – Is it believable?
Yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
Yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Marlie isn’t fully developed yet, but there is plenty of time for that. I think Susan is well developed and you did a good job with Edna in a short time.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Fine

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
Yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
Lots of show here. You do well setting the scene.
§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
If there were any I noted them in the individual reviews.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
Excellent tone

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
Nope

For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§    Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate?
yes

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?
Definitely

§    Does the story move quickly?
Yes

§    Is the tension level high?
Definitely

§    Are the protagonists strong?
Yep

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?
Yes



Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.
I loved the mood in chapter 3. There was something about it that gave me creepy tingles. That’s a good thing.
§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. §    How do you think the story could be improved?
Nothing so far.

jediprincess wrote:

Cadfael
A Whisper of Murder
§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
CH.1 honestly, I had to read that sentence three or four times before I understood, but once I did, I thought it was brilliant. I think the phrase two dog trial judges threw me off. I wasn’t expecting it and I didn’t know what a dog trial judge was. But once I figured out where they were it all made sense and like I said. Brilliant.
Ch. 2 and 3 – fine

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Definitely – murder is afoot. Two murders! Susan has got to figure this out.

§    Plot – Is it believable?
Yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
Yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Marlie isn’t fully developed yet, but there is plenty of time for that. I think Susan is well developed and you did a good job with Edna in a short time.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Fine

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
Yes

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
Lots of show here. You do well setting the scene.
§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
If there were any I noted them in the individual reviews.

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
Excellent tone

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
Nope

For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§    Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate?
yes

For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?
Definitely

§    Does the story move quickly?
Yes

§    Is the tension level high?
Definitely

§    Are the protagonists strong?
Yep

§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?
Yes



Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.
I loved the mood in chapter 3. There was something about it that gave me creepy tingles. That’s a good thing.
§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. §    How do you think the story could be improved?
Nothing so far.

Great stuff! Thank you so much for taking the time   
Diana

Also need to find out if amarie wants a detailed edit job.
Diana

wordsmith wrote:

Chapter 1 - Good start.  Loved the humor.  Already reviewed earlier. No nits to speak of.

Chapter 2 - Putting nits here as I'd already reviewed the chapter before.

Susan's trying to keep out of it, but now she's involved without a doubt - except that she's not exactly sure what Edna was trying to get off her chest. 

~~We've been here a couple of days  for God(’)s sake.
~~I've planned to spend the day in the garden, but remembering the sweet face and touchingly grateful old woman, I agree to come in a couple of hours. (should that ‘come’ be ‘go’ as she’s going over to the hospital?)
~~They can't found (find) out I told you.
~~Alarmed, I look[e] into her pale face which might be tinged blue by the sun shining through the azure curtains.
~~I back[s] away and ease myself out the door,

Chapter 3 - A case of murder, most foul.  By family, nothing less.

Now that I read this again, I know the killer took the time to restrain Edna’s hands under the sheet, but I wonder if he’d take the time to do that knowing that nursing staff could turn up at any moment.  Then after he kills her, he lays her hands outside again.  Know he’s probably trying to avoid being scratched, but still I wonder if it would be practical for him to spend time doing that.   

Good hook at the end.

~~the nurse on her last night duty until her dyas (days)  off and then

Have fixed that bit - he still does it but the staff are called away to a Code Blue at the opther end of the hospital, there's no one at the nurses station to see the monitor flatline or hear the alarm. So he has plenty of time to knock off an old lady. He puts her arms under the bedclothes so she can't scratch him (horrible I know) And he has a contingency plan in case someone comes in. There's also a clue in there as to who he could be!   

amarie wrote:

§  § 

§  Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
I think too much description would be boggy, but a few more sensory impressions would be great for added detail and fleshing out.

§  What you liked least or feel could have been done better.  How do you think the story could be improved? – A stronger first chapter to grab readers by the throat. The next two are great.

Thank you so much amarie    I've re-written the first chapter and am now seeing where I can extend the imagery without overdoing it. Wonder what the awkward spots are with prose? Didn't think I had any swearing in there, but can't really remember. Later on some of the detectives swear but very little.
I am so pleased things are okay in ch 2 & 3.

Will need to read/skim your whole novel before I can do a review on the scheduled chapters, also tina's!
Diana

amarie wrote:

No. I didn't mean swearing. I don't remember anyone swearing. I pointed out the awkward sentences I found in my chapter reviews. There were just a couple. Does "off" mean colorful cursing in Australia? haha.

Pretty much! 'Purple Prose' means bad language LOL   I think it reads very well now. Thanks, luv 
Diana

amarie wrote:

Swearing is considered blue.

Purple prose is something like this: Tears trickle from my eyes, for out my window, beyond cherry trees and mist, pink and coral bands stretch across the darkening sky like braids or interlocking fingers, tightly woven, reminding me of the stranglehold purple prose has on my first paragraph.

Or it is taking sex up into the clouds where exploding waves of passion, love and lust collide in a sheet-splitting crescendo, until we drift back down with rainbows and butterflies leaving gentle kisses on our lips and promises that our love will last for eternity.

I'll check out your updated version tomorrow.

I KNEW there was something wrong with purple - couldn't think what it was! A geriatric moment 

amarie wrote:

Yes!!! Chapter 1 is much better and you got a hook in at the end too.

Now I feel as though I've gotten to know the MC better. I'm just wondering about the tense though because then in the next chapter you switch to present.

Maybe you can have the first part of 1 in past, and then slide us into her present with a bridge by tying her emotions to what she witnessed and her internal conflict so there's a seamless transition between chapter 1 and 2. Otherwise having this as past and the next as present and the third all roving, it looks sloppy and amateurish. Everything you do needs to be and seem deliberate.

But good work. It's great!

You're right! I can do that - only needs another sentence in the second chapter! Thank you so much for re-reading, amarie  Much appreciated!
Diana

The celibate mouse

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 4. As Daniella Winslow stood gazing over the escarpment the morning after her cousin, Jack Harlow, was shot dead at the sheep dog trails. – something is off in this sentence. Maybe it should be connected to the next sentence with a comma. It doesn’t sound complete as is.
Ch.5 I've just taken my headphones off and got up from the computer – Eloise always rings on Skype - when I hear the dogs doing their 'Oh joy, oh Heaven, visitors! We've got visitors!' – this sentence doesn’t read correctly to me either. It could just be my natural aversion to present tense. Also, I’d prefer commas instead of hyphens. But once again that might just be personal preference.
Ch 6 - fine
§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch. 4 Daniella worried about the back lash of this murder. Interesting bit about the sexual harassment at the wedding. I wonder if that will come back up later
Ch. 5 I liked getting Susan’s side of things and seeing how she gets the upper hand in the situation.
Ch. 6 Dr. and nurse discovering Edna was murdered

§    Plot – Is it believable?
Yes

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
Yes. Especially with the names used for departments in the hospital. We don’t have those names over here in the states.

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
Daniella and Susan are very well drawn. I think Marli might have to be built up more.

§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Dialogue is fine

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
Yes
§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
You do a good job of painting scenes and showing the audience.

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
Noted in individual reviews
§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
Easy to read….except for the present tense. Once again that might just be me.

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no
For specific sub-genres eg. Historical & Regency Romance

§    Are the period details (dress, word choices, etc.) accurate?
yes
For Romantic Suspense

§    Is there enough action?
So far so good
§    Does the story move quickly?
So far so good

§    Is the tension level high?
In chapter 6 yes. In chapters, 4 and 5 you might be able to amp up the tension somehow.

§    Are the protagonists strong?
yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone?
yes


Give overall impressions of the chapter:-
§    What you liked most and what worked well.
I like Susan’s character so far. She is strong and smart.
§    What you liked least or feel could have been done better. §    How do you think the story could be improved?
I think I made most of my suggestions up top. One big thing is the tense. I’m not sure if switching tenses throughout the book will work. We’ll see how it goes. At least it’s done by chapter and not within a chapter.

§    Opening  - Do the opening sentences/paragraph grab your attention?
Ch 4 -  yes
Ch 5 -  yes, we know she's getting uninvited guests.  I liked the way you described the dogs barking (Yep, I'm a dog person )
Ch 6 -  yes, it lets us know something is terribly wrong

§    Conflict – Can you identify what it is?
Ch 4 -  Daniella meeting Susan
Ch 5 -  Susan making small talk with Daniella while unsuccessfully resisting her detective urges to question her
Ch 6 - The medical staff dealing with the discovery of Edna's body

§    Plot – Is it believable?
yes, a juicy believable murder mystery

§    Setting – Is there a real sense of time and place?
yes

§    Characterization – Are the characters believable or do they feel like cardboard cutouts.
good, the main characters come through pretty strongly.


§    Dialogue – Is it tight and does it help move the story along?  Did it need more/less?
Dialog is fine

§    Point of view – Is it consistent?
yes, I think you're using omniscient,  which is working well

§    Show vs. Tell – Are scenes conveyed through the actions of the characters or through the author’s voice? 
mostly showing

§    Grammar & Spelling – Are there too many grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors.
clean writing

§    Style/Tone – Is the writing easy to read?  Are word choices effective?  Is the tone preachy?
easy, fun, not preachy

§    Prose – Is there any purple prose?
no


§    Is there enough action? yes
§    Does the story move quickly? yes
§    Is the tension level high? yes
§    Are the protagonists strong? yes
§    Is there a strong dramatic tone? yes


§    What you liked most and what worked well.
We can really see things through Susan's eyes and see how she thinks.  I like the high tension and that you are showing the story from all pertinent angles, which is fun when reading a mystery and trying to solve it along with the detectives.

§    How do you think the story could be improved?
no suggestions here